Less satisfied with just myself (not strong)

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that most people crave a sense of who they are. Whether we define ourselves by individual differences, our place within our communities, or the things that are much easier seen than articulated, we all have a desire to be fully and intimately known.

The longer I believe, the less I feel satisfied in the specific conflicts I normally invest in. I believe that so many contemporary divisions are important to understand, but not to idealize. I’m tired of holding onto my own identity so tightly that it keeps me from enjoy the company of others who I am not like. Even if it’s common, past a point of recognition, investing in personal identity can be vanity. After a certain point, needing to define oneself becomes useless.

Past the point where I understand, as I try to let go of the things that limit me from just being kind, a deeper recognition of grace is out there. Past the ways the Church is able to demonstrate Christ without a little risk and way past our comfort, there are people who need healing and absolutely will not receive it otherwise. I’ve been blessed to have to move on a lot already in life, and I call that blessing. More often than not, if I just receive the goodness of God, there is no good reason to become defensive. The Lord fights for us. It’s possible to be willing to simply accept good things.

Sometimes when I pray with friends, I have a hard time simply listening when they pray for me. I try to intercede for them as they lift me up in prayer, almost like payment. The Christ who died for them also died for me; there can be no repayment, because Christ already died. Without realizing it, I become Martha trying to run around and make sure there is enough to go around for everyone. It is really hard to surrender up the people I love to God, and trust that his love is going to have to be good enough in times where mine is not. I understand the desire to give more away, but truth be told, I don’t have it. I have only so much to give, and sometimes, I get tired. Foolishly, I run around thinking more serving is going to be what is necessary, when in rest is there a sense of trust that scurrying cant buy.

God is changing my family. I see the reason he kept me living, to know how to walk that walk that several of my family members have just started walking. Maybe they don’t know that they’re beginning to believe yet, but I see them opening up to the possibility. Who would have ever known that God would be good to his word, and not just give me life for me, but for my family. Even years later, I see resurrection in these scars.

I believe in giving grace to the ones who withhold it from others. I believe that the biggest sins out there right now are the Church’s sins.

Past the brink of safety and fake “permission” to share grace, there are people who still need the peace that comes from the free payment in Jesus. I can’t be sorry for wanting to share the gospel. The Lord can provide my justification, and I will just do my best to serve. More often than not, I have no vindication, apart from love. If that’s really all I have, that’s probably all I need.

Instead of mustering up all my strength, and trying to be something more for the people who still need Christ, maybe I can just accept his provision. I can’t do this alone, but maybe so long as I’m willing, I wont have to. My plans are coming up to nonsense. I need God’s strength just to fail beautifully, let alone actually succeed.

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haleynoohra

I am a second-grade teacher and pastor-to-be who loves people. I spend my weekends with friends or wandering the museums of DC alone and with a journal, trying to put words on the places of the soul that still feel wordless. I spent most of my days at school trying to learn patience through my students and running on sheer nerdy passion. I follow Jesus Christ, and savor that as my most important identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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