I am at that point where I no longer wonder what I would have been like if [insert interchangeable crap event] didn’t happen, but I’m starting to wonder if this is the woman I was always meant to be.
I’m silly and I tell jokes that are stupid because simply enjoying my life is worth it. I don’t have to preface everything I say or do with a memorandum to the past. Sometimes, it is helpful to reflect on what was so that you can look for patterns that help you make sense of where you are going. I guess I had low expectations.
I no longer wonder whether God will still be present when I’m doing well. It’s funny, because while a lot of people wonder whether God will show up when they are at their worst, God was always the most real to me when I was suffering. Now that I’m not, it took me a little catching up to realize that his love is permanent. Even when it may look like I don’t need him. God wants to be in my life (and in all of our lives) even when I’m just grateful to have him around, instead of struggling not to drown. It’s nice to know that God would go out of his way to pursue my heart because he wanted to, and that God’s “want to” is so much bigger than my “need”.
Christianity is more than some moral code. If my behavioral stipulations are bigger than my love for God, there is no guarantee that I will follow them because I love Jesus. If my love for God isn’t bigger than everything else that I’m doing, and I don’t care to actually invest in him, this is going to be a pretty lonely race.
I wish that more Christians understood that to truly encounter Jesus and live in his presence is freedom. This isn’t an excuse to judge your neighbor. We all remain unrighteous, but for grace. When it becomes a game of appeasing a simple structure of rules and regulations, we negate the fact that Christ ever came, and that by his death, he bought more for us. We don’t have to appease our inequity anymore. Belief in Christ is all that it takes to lay your burden down and come to know God. This freedom is bigger than becoming God in our own right. You can rest knowing that you are still fully loved, and that your salvation and the righteousness of yourself and others isn’t up to you. It never had to be. God wants us to live lives of freedom, hope, and blessedness, not to be yoked to unrealistic, culturally-embodied expectations that fall short of his perfect grace because of grafted-in lies. Without the extra window dressing, Christ alone is enough to have freedom. Yes, it is important to live your life according to what God says. But if you are following the rule without that obedience coming out of loving him, how do you actually know who you are following?