Have you ever had those moments where you pass by a place that holds a lot of shame, or you remember something so strongly painful that you have to say or do something to shake that pain out of your mind? Like being zapped by an electric fence on a detour, I ran like hell away from that sensation.
So be it. These days, I let it be what it is. There are things in this life that I probably deserve to be ashamed of. I’ve screwed up in magnificent and offensive ways, not always, but enough. I’ve made a fool of myself over boys who weren’t worth the brain space. I’ve hurt friends who I still think about all the time, I still pray for, and I never wanted to wound. I’ve said a lot of off color stuff that just ended up doing more harm than good. Worst of all, I blamed my family for a lot of brokenness that on their own, they simply cant break free of. So be it.
I’m not proud of those things, but on my worst day, God still remembers. Grace is when you have reason to be put to shame, but you are forgiven. I’m not running from my problems or denying when this one or that one hurt me. Nonsense. I serve a God who is bigger than the shame and he takes joy in me.
The things I’ve done may be screwed up, but God’s love for me and all other people is so great that he rejected himself to love me. Does that make sense? It totally doesn’t. Christ came and received the rejection that belonged to me, and I can bear up in those moments of shame because God is greater. God didn’t deny my brokenness in order to save me, he compensated for it. He went out of his way to make up from it. He is both honest and faithful. He went so far out of his way for my sake and the sake of those who love him. He doesn’t expect me to feel like I have to lie about the pain; he is the bridge that helps me through it.
Only in knowing that my God is greater has the sense of shame started to leave. Those memories have less and less bite. Those chains are coming of. After a while, the shame is going to feel irrelevant. I serve a mighty God. And he still loved me as is.