Have you ever had one of those moments where a person completely misappropriates something you’ve just said?
When saying something honestly wouldn’t fly, because someone’s looking to get an appetizer assortment of different “truthy” things from pop psychology?
Or when they want you to be just a little more “sassy”? I will admit, that one worked a lot better when I was fat.
Do you know what it’s like to have friends keep you around only because you “seem deep”/they’re exploiting you for help with homework/you are the new momentary fascination that sometimes says colorful things?
How many times a day do you say nothing, because you know that there is no place in this or that situation for complete honesty?
How often do you have to ignore how a person is doing something in order to remember that you love them, and rebuild what you say from there?
How often do you have to play facilitator between political extremes that both make you question why God didn’t give up on humanity?
When you spend time with children, do you ever wonder whether you would be able to love them as simply once they get older? Would I accept them as they are, once they have more rights to choose?
Have you ever been mostly silent for upwards of a week, in a state of semi-disillusioned as you listened and waited for the Spirit of God to remind you some truth that on your own, you just could not articulate?
Have you ever mourned without knowing why you were mourning?
I know that even despite everyone else, God sees me. He is not afraid of my honesty. He doesn’t see my gifts as inherently destructive.
I know that God sees my desire and pursuit of the truth as intentional, and he intentionally commissioned it, even when I can’t discern his purpose.
I know that God loves me fully. He doesn’t mandate me to become the next sassy Oprah just to say something that might be perceived as culturally insightful. I don’t have to be Dr. Oz. I can be my full self, and not whore out bits and pieces for what I think other people will most want to hear. Even if it’s only in private, with God, I can be fully known.
And what higher blessing is there than that? To know that before God, I wont have to sacrifice the good bits. They are there for a reason. I may have to sacrifice the stuff that is already doing me harm, but the good bits God will let me keep. He wants better for me than to sell my soul to become someone’s fortune cookie. And my lack of understanding is good news, because I haven’t sold my soul to become the one with all the answers.