These past couple of days have been a bizarre turning point. Seeing the world as it is and holding to the faith in the midst of making important career decisions is actually more disappointing than I thought it would be. I’m coming up on the knowledge that nothing is nearly as satisfying to me as serving God directly, but I’m not sure how. I thought being an adult would be more fun, but with thousands of crap desires competing for my attention and not as many kind role models as I’d like, becoming an adult seems more like becoming jaded and angry.
Disillusionment aside, making decisions is hard. Maybe if I didn’t have as much Jesus in my life, I’d be willing to settle for making choices that disappointment me, and set out in the wrong direction but wisen up over time. Knowing what you want is really hard when you don’t know how to get there. I can’t bring myself to settle for less than being in ministry, but the part of me who wants to take it easy indefinitely wishes she could.
Leadership has come into my life in ways that aren’t positions, but have more to do with how others view me. Sometimes it feels strange to acknowledge, especially with the lack of a title. I still believe that serving is more important when you don’t have the credential than when you do. To be honest, I didn’t realize that having others paying attention and copying me would be this difficult. For a girl who isn’t used to being taken all that seriously, it’s kind of bizarre to live up to. One of my biggest roles is still to be a student, and I know that as a senior, it means a great deal if I stay invested and set an example for other students who will copy me. Working with younger children at my job and on Sundays, I have the power to influence a good chunk of what they think. Even if I don’t know how it will be done, I am praying that God give me wisdom and kindness to know how to absorb more leadership as I grow older. So much of this feels like a natural thing, and I’m just trying to follow what God wants now in order to lay a good foundation.
What with graduation and how the whole world seems to want to reduce down people’s identities to a job, not buying into the hype makes it harder to move. Though that may be a good thing when it comes to not making rash decisions, I wonder how long it can stay that way. I’ve wanted to stay here in my hometown another year, but what if that is just because I’m afraid? I know that if I find a way into ministry, I hope to never be as big into academia and people are trying to push me to go. I can’t bear it. I don’t want to become that self-important, and I’d rather be living the dream.
It was so weird to realize this morning that the reason I’m having such a hard time is actually because I have my priorities straight, and that I know that I might have to wait a little bit of time. This is one of those times were it would be easier to go with the flow, but I’d rather dig deeper into the Christian life. To be quite honest, I still don’t know what God is going to do with me, but apart from the pressure to choose, I’m pretty okay with that. Serving God feels a lot more streamlined and spiritually helpful than indulging in the rat race of having to untangle it all. Like every other day, we are just going to have to see what happens. Even if the way could be easier, I don’t care as much about over-hyped positions as the end result.