Okay y’all, its been a stagnant couple of days, but it’s getting better. I’m just happy that God takes care of me.
My life will never solely or mostly be about what I do for a living or to strive after my own happiness. It wont depend exclusively on the status of the man I marry. It wont seek to be greater and prettier and above everyone else.
Whatever I do will be done in faith, for the rest of my life, leadership inside the church or not. I do not need a crown to serve my purpose, and my purpose is Christ. If I am his, then nothing else matters. I can live with that.
I don’t want to be the smartest or the most successful. If anything, I want to be someone with an intensely child-like faith. That’s enough for me. God will provide.
My goal is to not lose sight of what he has given. I think that part of the reason my inclination is to plan every last thing is because I love getting lost in the possibilities, regardless of whether or not I move forward. Some would call that a waste of time, but plenty of people also don’t recognize the beauty in the complexity that we are given through life, so we’ll just call it a draw. I love planning because the mechanics of systems and details is fascinating. How else could we comprehend or discern legitimate discipline and discernment if we did not practically apply the truth to every day situations? Imagining what could be is just another fruit of that.
While planning can be good, putting yourself in a blind position of authority will inevitably suck because the glory you give to yourself is false power. What can I change that God has not planned? When I admire planning, I think part of me really just longs to admire the intricacy of the plans God has laid out. A good portion of that means living it out, since I am not omnipotent. Planning can be about his sovereignty instead of my ego, and I can find a place of reverence in looking towards what may happen in the future, knowing that I do not control my own destiny and my path is my path, regardless of whether I think he lets me see it. It can be easy to think that God must not know what we’re going through in moments of panic and uncertainty, but yeah right. I think he just knows that his judgment is superior to what we’d choose more often than not, and he has all the knowledge that you’d ever want to back that up. Unraveling the rest is not exactly a challenge for him.
It’s also pretty pretentious to be whining at God about sharing details for a future that is a) continuous, and will still much resemble life as I already know it, and b) months away. If I am going to doubt, I should probably wait a little bit (lol). But for real, at what point is panic necessary? Never. It is never necessary.
If I can trust that God can clarify his solutions in his time, then living out a simple but happy life is about to get a lot more simpler. It’s not because I am naturally disposed to just “go with it”, it’s because in any scenario I can think of, just going with the best intentions of God will be to my benefit and to his. If not for his sovereignty, just going with it would be a ruthless mistake. But its not. Because he’s God.
If I make plans, I will lay them all out and pray over them. I will make more than one and see what seems best. I will ask for the opinions of friends and family. And then if necessary, I will live to watch them all go to trash. This is life; our plans rarely work out and our dreams are only marginally streamlined and you do the best you can and try not to throw a fit. This life is fleeting anyway, so my goal is just to live it.