After finding out that I wasn’t going to be progressing in the application process for one of the few jobs I’d want after graduation yesterday, I must admit, I’m not sure exactly what’s going on right now. God has been showing himself powerfully in my life recently, and I’m not shaken in that way. I just wish that life after college was more straightforward.
The older I get, the more I realize how little we as human beings change. We cycle back to old versions of ourselves, simply choosing some of many interests for a time, and having them resurrect later in our life cycles, with various rates of blessing. I’m having a hard time thinking about what I want to do, because none of my interests have changed, and they are all intensely spread out in many directions. I just have one life. And ironically, everything falls short of the glory of serving God. How to do that remains ambiguous, but it feels like striving to branch out in any other direction because nothing else means so much to me. There is a sense of the need for more of something that I’m having a hard time articulating yet.
I still want to study, but I’m not returning for graduate school, at least not yet. More than anything, I want to learn about history and develop an increasing knowledge of God. I think about what that might entail, and for a second I get jaded because there is this concept that I should have to prove myself first in some way before I’d be able to help out in some way in active ministry. I don’t know what God has in mind. You better believe I’m going to be asking him a lot in the very near future.
Spoke with a good friend today a lot about the difference between not striving and being lazy, and I regretfully admit that I’m not sure whether there is any; and that it depends on circumstance and perspective. What do you do when you cannot condense interests that the world tells you to abandon? In a candy shop, you can pick at a little bit of everything, but that isn’t so when you get a full time job. It’s paradoxically stressful, because if you can be content with a small but happy life, then you can do nearly anything that requires a Liberal Arts education and still find happiness through faith. It makes accepting the first job you are offered a really attractive thought, because that way you don’t have to bear the load of making so many decisions. Truly, I should probably just trust that God will cancel out options that wouldn’t edify his holy name. These things unravel and he solves them in his own time.
Who we each are doesn’t change within our lifetimes, but our perspectives do. If I were to read some past journal right now, I’m sure 13 year old Haley would have been pretty judgmental and confused about why I am thinking through some of this stuff in this way. Me at 17 would be no better. They simply would have not gotten there yet. As we grow and age, it is easy to step into perspective that would have made your younger selves blush. How could they possibly know?
Having God in my life is unlike anything I ever knew was so strengthening. Being a child here and there in church, I always remember looking up at the stained glass windows there and praying to God that he would do something so that I would know that the desire I had in my heart for him was in some way real. I wished that great gold light that came through the window and set the room ablaze would somehow lift me up. Little things, like trying to say a blessing over two dead robins at a friends house as a child and all that I struggled to understand until God finally made it so real that he existed; they are divine gestures of a craving that will always be difficult to explain. Even with the desire to know God, even in a previous house of worship where I couldn’t find him, even in a place in my life where I thought it was impossible that I could be loved, God has always demonstrated that he is faithful. I know that he will remain constant in this, because that’s just who he is, as the only thing that will not pass away. I may not have been able to believe all this when I was younger, but that craving part of me always wanted to. In the midst of not knowing what I could possibly have to offer, I know God is real now. I know he’s good, and I know he is faithful. After a life full of striving, I can’t imagine living my life with anyone else, or that feeling of craving still gnawing at dry bones. I no longer thirst. I could end up on the street, and yet God’s love would never be taken from me.
I may not have understood then, but I do now, and for that reason, I have no fear of the future. Let it come. We will move on too fast through these months until graduation, and let them come. My Father has work for me to do here and now, while I am yet a student, and I still need to keep my focus there. Let’s see all that he is capable of doing. Faith will be more than enough.