Reflecting on all that I have stored up from memory from Ecclesiastes. As my friendships and friends have evolved over the years, somehow becoming more healthy over time, somewhat of the illusion of separation between who I am and what others would accept has dissolved. In this state of limbo and realizing how much all humans chase after vanity, I just wonder what it would be like to stay this small forever. A life without worrying about striving for money, or status, or influence, or being right. Like Ms. Honey in Matilda, I could live out the rest of my life in peace, maybe. Isn’t that a beautiful thought, to let everything remain really small?
I’m watching the movie “Her” that was produced in 2013, where actor Joaquin Pheonix falls in love with an operating system (aka a personal computerized device). So many of the ideas in this movie take that idea of a wall between how we live and what we believe others will take us for, and just pick at it. It’s strange to think about how the main character in this movie falls in love with his computer and she can love him so much, be consistently present, and still support him. It reminds me of God, actually. How silly is that? Having so many needs be fully taken care of, and especially in terms of emotion…it’s weird but it reminds me of how love endures all things. It’s a gray area that I don’t think is bad to consider.
Do you ever wonder if all these devices and new things are just another step in a series of means that humans have invested in so that we aren’t fully seen? Do you ever wonder if we crave closeness, but continue to live hiding from God in the bushes, tragically aware of the shame of being seen in nakedness, technically close but worlds apart from one another? “Water water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink”. Does technology bring us closer, or does it just subdue and design a better way for how we mask our needs?
Have you ever gotten mad about something that continued to bother you, even after the point where you were actually mad? It’s strange. I think that the more justified we feel through faith, the easier it is to let silly things go like that. Maybe how God loves us just allows us to prioritize a little better. Less of a need to feel right. Less of a need to feel heard. Less of a need to be someone who you are sure others would accept. Maybe it’s enough just to continue to be a little more honest, day by day.
Loving Christ should bring more freedom. Without ignoring how we need to be serving those among us, I think it’s still very possible to live a fully blessed and fulfilled life, in this tiny lifespan we each are given. I don’t think the world has changed as much as it seems like it has. Maybe it’s as simple as granting oneself the right to be happy when there is no good reason except that you are loved so much more than anyone can imagine, by a God who already knows how it will all play out. Whatever that might actually look like, what if it were as simple as letting that sense of freedom come from him?