Are you afraid of the unknown? Do you ever look forward to whatever swims before you, and think, “Dang, that looks exhilarating!”? It is a blur before me and different strands of reason that you could pick out, like bullets whizzing past me and I’m Ne-yo in the Matrix. Different callings and passions, weirdly woven together. Things that you just know are going to happen long before they do. Insight into what my friends share with me when a spiritual change is about to come over them, popping over us like epiphanies resembling soap bubbles.
It’s all changing again, and I’m changing. Life doesn’t speed up nearly as much as people think, but there is something to senior year of college and just wanting to enjoy it. I’m selfish right now. I want my time with my people, and I want it before its gone. I want to savor old friends, spend time with good things, and to be honest? Opportunities I would have killed for to be in leadership are coming into my life and I don’t even know if I want to take them. I just want to enjoy my people. I don’t want to have to work that hard.
Oh it’s so funny that the feeling of “I’ve finally arrived” is coming right as I’m feeling especially lazy. What is going to happen is that I will keep walking, take things with a grain of salt, and learn to walk into the things that are good and inevitable. I don’t have to worry so long as I’m honest. Just treat people right. It’s gonna work out.
I’m excited to see things change, which is a funny feeling. I was so bummed out with how hard I had to work to flip things all the way around this time last year, when I came back from study abroad to a life that looked alien from when I had left it. Another year went by. This is the homecoming feeling I thought all that would feel like. And now? We’re in this weird limbo of not getting how they could have still let me in college given that I must have aged 15 years in the last 12 months, and not understanding what if anything is left. I’m happy to embrace these changes now. It’s just transparency. So much already shifted.
I’m gonna probably move to a new place. I applied to Teach for America, so cross your fingers. So many things coming together. New things seem exciting and the old things are falling away in a decent order. It’s good to be alive.
Change isn’t weird, but the feeling of embracing change instead of clinging to the past is definitely a gradual improvement. Moving in the right direction, why should you be scared? It’s strange that God’s love for me and my reaction to how he cares for me is in no way dependent on my situation. I can praise him in crap circumstances and he can love me tremendously in crap circumstances too. Since when has that been obvious?
Another selfish thought: If I actually met a guy right now that I liked, how awkward would that be? It’s the lazy feeling again. I don’t want that, but what would I actually do? Ugggghhhh I don’t wanna think about it. I’d probably pray. A freaking lot.
I am so happy that I did my “I’m graduating” panic last year. So glad God could be faithful in unveiling these interests so I can just stick to the plan now. With no one but grad students ahead of me in school, I forget I qualify as a student. Is all this even happening? What is even going on?
We just keep walking, World, and we find so many different things a long way from where we started. Do you guys think we’ll wake up and realize a lot of it passed us by? I hope not. Let’s pay attention. Invest in our faith. Make the future better for those who come after us. Resist the temptation to tune out.
Sometimes I do want to be selfish, but we’ve only got so much time. We all die for sure by the end of 100 years, often by 80 years, all too often by 60 years, and for all we know, any time in between. Let’s make it good for something.
We don’t have to know what we’re doing, we just have to be willing to run after the good things that are part of the way we are led. Be like a kid again, chasing all that is good that needs brought into the light of day after we’ve kept it on the inside since always. You can be genuine quietly, but it is so much of a bigger deal to be proud of who you are and let the gifts God put in you show. Can you imagine? You can use them for the good of others then.
It’s another year, and in a little over a week, this summer will be over. This year is already off to a good start. It’s time to start thinking about what it means to say goodbye, and running into all the things I will love before I just have to remember.