In a chain around my neck is a cross necklace that I wear often. It has little dried flowers in it, and a little dried rose bud in the center, the same color of blood like the reason Christ died. I wear this necklace often, but sometimes I take it off when I get sick of having it get stuck in my hair. I sometimes take off that necklace, and I get the feeling like it some how signifies I’m not open about my faith. I forget to read my bible, and I can be invested in other Jesus related things and I still get on my own case. I turn off Christian radio and immediately this insecurity starts up about whether or not I care. Of course I freaking care. I listen to Christian freaking radio.
These little lies and second guesses distract me from how much I care about God because they insinuate I should be trying to do something for him. What? What could I possibly do for him? He is God, and I’m just me. I would love it if I am able to give my life and my help, but the fact of the matter is, he doesn’t need me.
The insecurity does, though. It wants me to buy in and let it fester, and believe that time spent with God is something I do from obligation instead of love, even when it’s obviously not. This insecurity will have me rewriting all my hopes and dreams and compassion and genuine care for others if I let it keep a handle on me. It will seduce me by the need to measure up. It will make me take credit for any margin of beauty I’ve been given, no matter in what sense. It will endorse my ego over my own life. And it will make me believe I’m isolated and alone, just so that I will feed it.
God loves me. He requires no proof that I love him because he already knows. He draws those who love him close, and he is doing that. I don’t need to question my own intentions when it comes to the truth; any time spent with him is spent well even if I didn’t want to when I started. It isn’t in his spirit to extort tribute from people, but he is happy with us when we come in a spirit of genuine devotion. This life is a test sometimes, but it is an even bigger gift. It is a gift because I don’t have to strive to justify my own existence. I’m done with that.
Fighting insecurity doesn’t have to be my own fight; I am not alone and I am loved by a God who will come beside me if not fight those battles for me. He provides his help. Realistically speaking, nothing changes about him.
We are all in the process of doing our best to live our lives. It is enough that we are loved by God. Let that knowledge be “Game Over” to the striving, before another word is spoken. Faith is meant to be really simple. We are allowed to remain this happily small.
I can “spend time” with God, but even when I feel like I am most far from him, he is right here beside me. There are no spaces where God isn’t or is, only places we can see him. The light came from darkness to allow us to see, not to prostrate itself and proove to us God’s existence. He exists. Take it on faith or don’t take it at all, just don’t underestimate his capabilities. He is so much bigger and more mighty than we are able to understand. And even when he’s calling out to get our attention or safeguard our interests, he requires us to proove nothing.