I had such a good day today. I got to spend time with so many awesome people, and really ponder my own scope.
Driving home from meeting a good friend, I stopped in an empty parking lot near my house and watched the sun go down. It has been so hot here in Kansas. A sunset as brushstrokes and different panes of glass across the sky; yellows blues and pink. I looked up and the screeching sea gull somehow also in the parking lot reminded me of the beaches of Chile, and the Spanish I’m forgetting. God is so awesome. It is so easy to forget how big he is, but he is the exact same him from a parking lot in the corner of Kansas.
My friend brought up various solid thoughts and feelings, and she is also is a strengthening stage. The conversation flowed, and it was good for us. I value her time, that she would talk so freely about God with me and laugh over various things that are more scary than laughter makes them. I’m lucky to be alive.
One of the things I read today was an article at Relevant Magazine about whether Men should be modest (whether modesty equally applies, found here http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/does-modesty-apply-men). I loved this article and the care the author took in writing it. I love the Spirit of Shalom she speaks about, and it feels like freedom to finally have a word for something my soul knows but cannot quite articulate. It’s overwhelming to think how much genuine care is openly available to us through God’s Holy Spirit. I’m impressed by how well he moves; talk about agility.
I found myself staying quiet today and watching the way my coworkers spoke to one another. Staying silent, I was able to see how carefully they communicated and how well they worked as a team, and let their leadership show me how to ebb and flow, filling cracks. I love the versatility of silence. I am impressed by how well they take care of one another.
Things at home are better. Me, my mom and sister are all getting along a little better. Having my car helps. In general, we are functioning better than we have ever cooperated since I’ve been alive, which is a big freaking deal.
Sometimes when I send a message to one of my friends hoping to be able to encourage them, I hope that they will respond. I think what I’m looking for is to know that it may have helped. It is a confusing thing, and I’m not really sure it’s positive. I want to know I can be helpful to them because as a friend, I’d like to lighten their load. I wonder if it comes across as overwhelming sometimes, and sometimes I wonder if I speak for my own benefit, for that warm and fuzzy feeling. Certainly that feeling is there, but I’d rather be genuinely helpful and I think that it’s not necessarily a bad thing to want that. I think investing in being useful to others without wanting to be in relationship with God and subject to him foremost is probably dangerous. His grace allows care to have a backup when it isn’t easy to love people. And it reminds us who makes all good things possible. I may be missing more there, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out as I go.
I am shocked by how much I have resisted being transparent about out of fear, especially in the area of really frivolous insecurities. Like having a low singing voice. Why would you be insecure about that? It’s crazy, because if I open my eyes in honesty and let myself be comforted, I’d realize some of my favorite artists are altos. It seems so silly that I couldn’t simply let go of those little lies, but often I dont get that they’re a problem.
I feel like accepting beauty is like allowing yourself to become more transparent under grace, knowing that any flaws that will be revealed are forgiven and atoned for. You are transparent in what is naturally beautiful, as in, honesty. None of us can be perfect, and all seasons (even the good ones) come to an end. I still believe honesty is worth investing in.
The warm and fuzzy feeling of care for others doesn’t make you more or less of a “good person”, it just means you have a lot invested in feels. That is okay. It is okay not to feel that to, because feelings aren’t actions, and you can’t just love a person into provision. I can’t lock myself in my room and sit with the warm and fuzzy feeling until I die of hinger and my muscles atrophy, because our bodies and minds need more to go off of than feelings. Feelings can be misleading. And the warm and fuzzy feeling is just the feeling you get when you think you’ve done something good, not actually a good indicator of whether it was recieved that way. It’s like thinking you were doing something nice by returning that half full shopping cart someone forgot, only to make off with all their groceries. Because we don’t always have any clue, it’s good to get a little perspective.
Still not sure what humility is. Go figure, I guess. Maybe it’s enough to wait on God and watch him teach me. I dont know.