Feeling a lot of back and forth and a little irritation today over the idea of dating and the deadlines we impose on our own lives.
This year before I graduate college, I really don’t want to worry about dating. On the one hand, the world probably thinks I will die alone and afraid if I’ve put it off this long and want to put it off longer. But I want to spend this next year happy to be alive and learning to better steward what I’ve been given. I want my mindset to be on God and working towards the honesty with which I know I am supposed to live, and not worried about false expectations. I have enough in my life. I need to work through this next chapter because investing in my passion areas means more to me than chasing the wind, and I need time to unravel what is and is not acceptable about the things I’m insecure over. I’m still looking for answers.
Everything around me tells me my time will be better spent otherwise, but an “even more deathly sin” of ignoring other people’s expectations seems to want me to invest in less. I am going to make an active choice starting today to give less brain space to letting others dictate what I should be doing with my love life. I know for a fact that I don’t even want the good things I would save up for today. I want them someday. And in the meantime, I want to work my butt off.
I would rather have direction and fight what the world wants than to spend a year of my life mildly interested in passing time on dates but not really invested where my heart needs to be. I need to be busting my butt right now. For real, I need to use this last year I have left to invest in my faith and my jobs and school, and working towards things only I can give myself before I get married, have a family, etc. I want to work for what I’ve got and I want to invest in my faith so that if I really like someone, that care is a clear and obvious blessing. I dont want to feel conflicted and like my life is in too much of a mess to care for someone properly. Because I know good things are coming, I don’t mind working for them. From what I can tell, this next year is going to be a lot of fun. And only crazy people rush into the future when they can’t even see straight.
So today, I’m making the active decision to be upfront about how little I want to be invested in any kind of dating right now. Maybe I will end up alone someday, World, but I don’t really care what anyone has to say about that anyways; I will be doing this. I know that to enjoy good things once you have them, you have to value them, and I’m running to faith in order to add more value to my life. Boys aren’t happiness. I can move on from feeling like a trainwreck and allow the choices I made intentionally to ensure a healthy life to be celebrated. Really, I regret nothing when it comes to not having dated. For me, this has been the absolute right thing, and I resent the pressure placed on young people to run to others instead of taking charge of the choices they will make on behalf of the rest of their lives. Once I feel comfortable, I will be more than willing to make right choices. But while I’ve got just one year left of college, I resent how any “lack of experience” might be a festering insecurity when actually I’m pretty happy with my fully blessed life.