I’ve been reflecting this morning, and I have a few more thoughts on the concept of “prooving it”.
It has been several years since I was truly depressed, but part if me is still stuck in this cycle of desiring to demonstrate that I’m healthy to others. When I was at my worst, it was an extra layer of crap that my friends and family had to suffer alongside me, and as miserable as I was, I would wish that upon no one. Although that follows the same kind of person and life situation I am predisposed to caring for now, I know being sick once took a toll on my friends and family, and let me tell you, if you’re sick, you feel pretty helpless to prevent that. I feel as though part of the desire to proove myself comes not from any sense of competition, but because I really don’t want the people I care about to worry about me. This results in accepting help late, as a last case scenario, when I could have asked for help all along. It makes me reluctant to want things for my own behalf, because I worry that I will burden people. And it makes me intimidated to profess my faith because I’d rather somehow protect people from controversy or conversations where they get upset than being bold about what I believe.
I’m writing about this today because I think it’s an interesting set of concerns to examine, and I want to be praying and reflecting on what can be done to solve it over the next few days. I’ve got the sneaking suspicion I’m not alone. Plus, these kind of trials don’t strike me as so personal that they aren’t common and thus, should not be written about. Anything that is quite common deserves a little equal minded consideration.
I will be praying on it, and because I can’t stop anyways, I’ll let you know. I know who to go to for healing, so let’s see what he says.