I went to my church’s prayer group, and the idea of having something to proove struck a chord with atleast one of the other people I prayed with. He prayed over similar concerns, and it was good to cherish his words as a sign that by no means am I alone. I’m glad we all could pray with one another.
I have a few more thoughts in regards to solutions. One is to first acknowledge that many of my friends see me as more confident and bold than I see myself. Part of that is good, because they value those traits. Part of it can feel like pressure if I don’t feel that way. But I know because of Christ that strength is defined through weakness, and perseverance through fear is just another trial of what that is worth.
So. I need to step out in faith and be open and looking for ways to serve in a way that honors God and the gifts he has given me. I try to do that through writing, but I desire to do it more. Not for extraneous reasons, but because I genuinely want to. I don’t feel dragged into it, but I love him, and I want to be able to share that and understand him more. I want to be more honest with what I care about. And I want to be mindful of what that would look like, so I can keep an eye out for what he is doing. I dont think it’s fair to serve halfheartedly, especially if you are still not sure if you belong. The sad truth is that often, you choose if you belong in the body of Christ, and no one certifies you except God’s love and the Holy Spirit. Others should not always encourage you, because it comes down to your choice. Do you really want this? Are you willing to give of your time? Having a receptive spirit to what God would say is to prepare your heart to love him more.
Perhaps I don’t understand God’s acceptance of my flaws as well as I would think, nor comprehend his willingness to love me just as I am. Really, the depths of him are endless, and tremendous in the sight of what we do see. It brings me closer to others to acknowledge my own weakness, because I love them more fully, because we are one in the same. Being weak allows you to love your neighbor because you can bear a more full reflection of him or her, by a fuller acknowledgement of who you are, especially in the places that are unfinished. Those reflections need bear no shame for those who have been justified. We can still rejoice in our weakness. It is okay.
And having a fuller view of others allows me to be less intimidated to serve because I know what is most important (a willing heart) and that not even the seemingly strongest among us are truly any different. We are all just looking to God for what we need, and he provides it no matter how many people ask, and he shows no partiality within them. We are all classified as his children. It’s no shame to want better things, because along as they abide under his will, that is only wanting more of him. When you seek blessing, you aren’t seeking smiles and rainbows so much as you are desiring communion and oneness with God. By that understanding, it is only fair and natural to be weak, because professing otherwise would be lying.