Ambiguously unsettling

Have you ever gotten the feeling where you saw something a person was doing, or heard the words they were saying, and for whatever reason, it just bothered you? You were bothered, but not entirely sure why. Confused, you searched your heart and mind for glimmers of clarity.

Sometimes I think that God must challenge us and our patience solely as an excuse to reflect a mirror onto our own hearts. Whether or not we’re short tempered. Whether or not we hold grudges. Whether we even remember what a person feels guilty for, if they bring it up, seeking reconciliation. Sometimes the line between forgive and forget can become blurred, after the pain no longer is of all that high priority. We all suffer. Not all are able to forgive.

And yet, I think the line between judgment is much more blurred than we make it. Can I disapprove of your actions while still loving you? Can I disagree with what you say, and love you for who you are, in your own self description? Is my ego tied to whether or not you forgive me or care for what you’ve done in the past? If I believe that forgiveness is free, how free is it really?

I may be wrong, but I dont think we can get to fully free fully always forgiveness until Christ’s second coming. We need grace to fulfill that work in us. Because my strength is not my own, I know to at least monitor my heart for what I cannot know, and struggle to understand. I still fail, continuously.

The point isn’t given in failure or success of dying to one’s ego, but the desire to draw close to God in order to give him greater sovereignty over your heart. Would you believe that he would be happy if you shared everything you might be most ashamed of? He just wants to love you. Forgiveness was already shed for us.

I like thinking about the Body of Christ as a temple, as church is composed of members, as God sanctifies our physical bodies and minds. It’s good to know that the blood of the lamb referenced in the Jews being passed over in the plagues in Egypt is the same blood that eventually became fulfilled as promised through Christ. They spread it over their doorways, and we’re saved from equal death and destruction. Similarly,  if we give God power over our lives and trust that he protect us, he will.

The Holy Spirit dwells in Christ’s living body, the Church, just as it resides in his individual followers’ bodies, under grace. It is present with us. Do you think that maybe if people don’t know the spirit of love that is synonymous with the name of Jesus, two or more could be gathered in his name and not even know it, only finding solace in his freely given love? Do you think the Lord could transcend words?

It’s my birthday tomorrow, and I’m happy. God is good. I am thankful he is all things to all people, and that he is a gift I know I can share.


Published by


I am a second-grade teacher and pastor-to-be who loves people. I spend my weekends with friends or wandering the museums of DC alone and with a journal, trying to put words on the places of the soul that still feel wordless. I spent most of my days at school trying to learn patience through my students and running on sheer nerdy passion. I follow Jesus Christ, and savor that as my most important identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s