The struggle for “more” has got me feeling so self-centered this morning. Sometimes what we have just has to be enough, because there is no other better option.
“More” truly is the enemy of happiness. It’s barely 9 am, and I feel like I’ve used up all my strength. That’s okay. I’ll ask for God to provide.
I don’t need more of anything but God in my life, and its a kind of obvious that makes you stubborn. Pushed right up to the precipice of allowing things to be what they are, and it feels like I’m digging my heels into the ground. That doesn’t come from having a firm stance, but rather, distrust. The stakes get bigger, the more you surrender. It’s like this journey is advertised as being easier over time, but in fact, it’s harder. If anything, you have more practice.
I’m tired, but this too shall pass. It always does. God’s love remains. I’d rather put up a marvellous fight and fail to live and die in complacency. It can be both difficult and blessed, these struggles intertwine one another. Woven, but with stuff you wish you could erase. Today is not that day, but there will be a day when all that seems daunting is only a joke. There will be a time of rest. And if that day hasn’t come yet? So be it.
I may be tired, but I don’t have to be blind in the face of my weakness. I can ask for help. I can move forward, because there is no good reason not to. Laziness is not good for the soul. Sometimes you’ve just got to muscle through and trust that the blessing will find you where you are. It does every stupid time. Are you strong enough to trust yet?
I am going to get up, walk to the library, and plan out the rest of my day. I am going to listen to music that draws me closer to God. And with my headphones on, and my peace provided, I am going to watch all of this simply fade away.