Something is changing, and in terms of intuition, I still can’t tell what it is.
For the past couple of months, I have been writing A LOT about myself. It was a necessary thing, and even if no one might believe it, I generally hate doing that. There was so much change and so much that was necessary to process…but at the same time, I know that something has really snapped into place as of the last week or so, and I’m not really sure what that might be.
For example, there is this harrowing dose of understanding what growing up will look like, as I pursue what it means to be an adult even further. A lot more taking things with a grain of salt. But still, there is this almost-ready feeling that I only typically get when something significant is about to change. I can’t place it yet, but I know I will.
I had to adjust a lot of what I believe about growing up since right around this time last year, but even more so, lately. Seeing old friends, thinking clearly, and moving on from a lot of bad habits that have done me a substantial amount of harm has really adjusted my thinking. For whatever reason, I have to formally process next steps, as they come. For that reason and others, I wrote a list of things that to me, being a woman signifies.
This is my list. This is what I believe. It isn’t perfect, but this is what I’m shooting for. I know there are good things on this list, and I want to use my life to bless others, as I have been blessed. To do that, I see no harm in sharing them. They aren’t all that big and they aren’t all that small, so make of it what you will.
What does it mean to be a woman?
- Remembering others
- Donating what else I have
- Remembering to be grateful
- Finding ways to up-build and restore others, in the means they will accept and can appreciate
- Not becoming my own enemy
- Trust that healing does not come from me, but God can work through me
- Accepting my struggles as inevitable
- Being wary of what doesn’t define me
- Being stuck in the ways of Christ vs. my own ways (and attitude)
- Knowing the difference between failure and defeat
- Treating all people with respect
- Knowing the difference between boundaries and personal limits
- Trusting that good will come
- Letting good things speak for me, and struggling to be capable of receiving them with grace
- Accepting what was given and sharing it with kindness
- Being wary of what doesn’t define me
- Speaking from fairness, instead of anger
- Recognition of the truth, even when it costs
- Being bolder in kindness, and accepting responsibility for my actions
- Being the kind of person who would bless others in silence
- When wrong, being accessibly mistaken
When I say that this is what it means to be a woman to me, it means to be a mature, adult female person. Femininity to me is a lot more of an attitude of care and compassion than a set in stone reality or set of actions. Masculinity is so much different.
I think leaders come in both genders, depending on the season of their lives and the blessings that have been given to their character. I know that good things come from God, so knowing that he would guide me doesn’t seem strange so much as an unexpected comfort that was already established some time before. Not sure when, but so be it.
There is something changing. It’s almost as if this season of reflection is coming to an end in a lot of significant ways. There is a new confidence that wasn’t mine to accept before. I’m not sure exactly what a person could do to explain that, but it just feels organic, after a while. It seems right to change in these ways, not because it won’t happen inevitably, but because I know that this is the direction I’m headed in either way. I know what a more adult version of me looks like, and these are the necessary next steps to getting there. There is no reason to be startled, because happiness looks a little different at every stage of a person’s life. But there is something profound in moving forward, and even if I can’t place it, I know what that nagging feeling feels like. It’s time to keep going. Here, I say that pretty much every other day, but it’s true. There is so much more to be had. It is right there, I can practically see it. There is so much goodness completely within reach, and the only thing it takes is for me to accept it, being bold and I walk forward to meet it. Blessings can require a little participation sometimes. If I truly want to be a blessing to the world and the people I love, I need to make these changes while they are still new, because there will be a fresh supply as I go.
I feel so much older, and I mostly love it. I know I’m not ready to do so many things, but this same sense of fairness and peace follows me in the choices I make, so long as they are based on the truth. Peace is a free gift that I’m lucky I can receive, but even then, I wonder what it would look like to move forward with a greater sense of tact than I can naturally recognize. I know it’s possible if I allow it. That knowing is always the same. In order to change for the better, I have to let even more love in. So be it. My hope is that it would come from God.