3 Big Things that I am just not ready for
You know that feeling where you are thinking clearly, and you’re feeling pretty okay still, and you’re just like, “Actually, I don’t think I’m ready for any of this. And that’s okay.”
That is a really good feeling to have. I’m all about knowing your weaknesses, but the thing about some weaknesses is that they aren’t weak, they’re just not coming at the right time (as of today). I’m sure one day I will be able to do anything and everything I put on this list, but frankly, today is not that day.
- I am NOT ready to date. Not at all. Yesterday, I realized how much I was wrong in a variety of ways on this one. It seems fairly intuitive, but it just isn’t. With four days til Valentines Day, I just know that thinking about love stresses me out more than it is a blessing. And while I keep doing the things that I do and trying to do them even better over time, the very thought of this just seems like rushing. I was wrong. I really do need to be friends with someone before I get feelings for them. That seems given, but it just is. It’s funny, because typically when people talk about this kind of thing, they’re really upset about it. I just don’t care. I do care, but I know God will take care of it. And for now, that is all I truly care to ask him for. As for the rest of it, I know that eventually it will work out. But it is just too soon to worry, and too overrated to be sad at any point. My heart hasn’t changed, in terms of how I feel. But even if the right person asked today, low stakes is just so much easier on my nerves. Building trust over time is a good thing. I need more time.
- I am NOT ready to turn into my parents. I swear. I know that I am already very like them in different ways, but man oh man, I just need some space sometimes. It’s frightening to see even good habits I’ve absorbed from them bubbling to the surface. I’m kinda dorkily afraid my twin sister will come back home from school and insinuate I’ve basically become our parents. If that were the case, she would be right. I am. Very much so. But the thing is, there are a lot of other things that overlap those traits, and I’m just trying to give them enough room to develop with a healthy amount of tact, because otherwise, I will lose my entire mind. God help us all. I would be fascinated to know if the world isn’t exclusively build upon hubris and the vain struggles of each individual human trying to rebrand the same traits they were given in the womb to be separate from mom and dad. Sheesh.
- I don’t know how anyone else feels, but for the time being, I don’t want to know what I’m talking about for just a little bit longer. Clueless is so good for me at this age. I know what the truth is, and that is in God, through Christ. It doesn’t have to come from me. People’s lives are so big and they last so long; I just need to not know for just a little while longer. Consider it a strength. I just need to be the best me I can at this age, and as for the rest of it, it never really mattered all that much. God works for me and by his grace, through me, when I allow it. I can’t be better than I am alone. I know he will guide me.
It is a strength to know your weaknesses. It is a strength to know why you would say no to anything, or why you would say yes. It is a strength to mean those things when they do come. It is a blessing to know the truth. And for now? That is simply all I need to know.