Simple thoughts and good friends
Today was really weird, but still pretty great. What even happened?
Well, I’ll tell you. Today was a Thursday, and it started with starting a new Bible study group, run by my church. The first meeting was a success. It seemed like a good way to start.
Then I had class. It was also pretty great. That was my Abnormal Psych class; we’ve already discussed that, Imaginary Audience.
But the next great thing that happened was I ran into some more friends I used to know in the Schol Halls, and we had a good convo over eating lunch in the library. I love seeing people I hadn’t seen in a while.
Then, I had another class. Man, I thought my Cognitive Psych teacher was kinda strange, but he sure is growing on me. I understand what he is saying pretty clearly, and he makes some pretty solid points. I don’t agree with all of the things he says, but I think that is good. I find that when I actually make the effort to listen, I do best. Lol. In all seriousness, that is pretty true, and at least I finally am able to accept that.
I met a friend and we walked downtown to get Ramen because it was really cold. We split food, because we could. Yay for student budgets! But seriously, being thrifty is a blessing like nobody can believe. It blesses everything. Always.
I went to a meeting for my Alternative Break I am going on this Spring Break. I like the people. I know I can come off as strong, but I am trying. They seem pretty cool. I’m not sure what more there is to say about that.
Last thing was the best thing. Remember when I told you guys that I was going to go back to that campus ministry I stopped going to? Well, I did it. And oh was I wrong. Big time wrong. In every way and then some wrong. My voice was gone due to a sore throat, so I didn’t sing while the band led worship, but I just kind of grooved out for a bit. I’m not sure if pulsing in time with the beat counts as dancing, but for me it does. God is part of our bodies. I couldn’t sing, but I could move. You feel the rhythm in your chest if you love music. If I connect with music, I move. Not being able to sing and just sway and pulse and rest in the Holy Spirit’s presence in that room was so perfect. I not only have the conviction that I was totally wrong and need to stop making things so complex and just disbelieve my doubts, but now I have another place to hang out with friends and talk about Jesus. And I’d way rather be doing all of that anyways.
I have some simple thoughts from today, because I didn’t have the voice to ramble them bigger, even in my internal audience (Idk how that works, but just go with it).
The first is that it is easy to forgive people if you actually make the effort.
The second is that if I don’t let doubt complicate the things I know in terms of logic, and I still make the active choice to forgive as I go, then generally speaking, I will be pretty golden. I haven’t been doing that very well lately, in specific moments, but now I know. When I run into the things that scare me, trusting that God runs with me, I learn what is actually the truth, and that makes me more inclined to listen and forgive others. I care about them. If I remember God’s authority over everything when I get slightly worried, then love isn’t transactional. He condones helping one another. But if it has already been paid for, it should always be free. If I don’t focus on his authority in terms of logic when I start to slip, I fall on my butt every single time. I know that my actions affect others, but if I am actively trying, I don’t see why anyone would have cause to judge me, if they are open to the fact that they also judge and are also fallible. I don’t expect the world to change because I force them too, but living my life with integrity means that I will be able to spot it when others aren’t, and eventually, grow enough tact to actually know what I’m doing more naturally. I know what I’m doing, because I have God to guide me. But one day, all of this will feel much more natural, and I think all some of these things take is practice. It will come naturally enough until then, and for the meantime, I’ve got to just trust that he’s in control.
There are a lot of things that could bother me right now, but I ignore them. It’s not just that I want to waste my time in rambling about them, but that my words need to actually hold value, through the things I believe. I speak often, and not all my words are helpful. There is still so much infinite further to go. It isn’t my responsibility, but it is my pleasure to see how far I can go, in terms of finding goodness and righteousness here on earth. God will justify me. I cannot explain the rest, because it is not my place. But I know that every moment that I allow myself to move forward, I open up my heart to allowing God to change it a little more. It may not be perfect, but that was never the goal. I’m still struggling to find a common ground, but that is only because I seem to think struggling over good things is necessary more often than I should. Let good things be good things. Be calm the rest of the time and trust God. That is all I need to know. He has it entirely together by his bad self. I can take a breather from worrying.
I care about the world, and the things that go on in it, but if I ever want to make the most out of the good I have to offer, I have to allow it to happen. Working for it in this case means working to follow God closer. I know he blesses my life and the lives of others, because I see it. Either way, he is in control and there is no reason to be afraid here. I’m happy that peace could always be enough.
It helps so much to be able to trust other people with what is actually at the root of my problems. It is nice to finally have that. I don’t have to pass it off as something else. They will understand and accept it for what it is, because there is a mutual understanding that we all fail. It is peace to see such good things while I’m still here on the earth. It is nice to be able to participate.
Anyways, all the love,