Move again, move forward, see what will be done

2/6/2015

Move again, move forward, see what will be done

A lot of things came to a close today, in the best of ways.

I’m growing older, and it’s really weird. That is just how life is, but from what I can tell, it doesn’t get any weirder.

Good things have to be cheating, right? This is the role of structure, whether or not it is good. It remains. But somehow, when I realize how much was always there, I forget how much has stayed the same. So much just doesn’t stick.

I think it’s funny when I can get away with things, but I think I severely underestimate how many things people have just allowed to happen, throughout the course of my life. My friends and family sheltered me when I was most depressed, often with a long series of fireworks. For whatever reason, I have found people that care about me wherever I go, and not only was that not an active decision on my part, but I think it was God. So many big risks and such little regret in all this time, and I’m not sure if it’s weird or fitting that I would look back over my life at only 20 years old. I just don’t think very many people realize how lucky they are, and I progressively don’t.

What are adults even like? I haven’t got a clue. It’s just a mess of nonsense and tangled instructions, and no one has any good answers. So many people don’t bother to reassess here and there, let along continuously. If anything, keeping a constant stream of imagination and meaningless nonsense was the only thing that helped all of it gel so early, after all of the meaning eventually stuck. It’s lucky. It was God. But more than anything, I think it’s just fabulous that it is.

I don’t think worrying has to be a significant part of my life. Sometimes when you spend a lot of time processing the past, you have to make certain decisions, in order to work forward. Crossroads and Robert Frost. That kind of thing.

Things are better now, and I’m grateful, however God did it. I forget how much good that I can’t remember, because it simply wasn’t valuable then. Remembering the bad things was, so that I could avoid them. It was necessary, for so long. Switching the script on my life is this gradual process from complete misery to complete gratitude, and you can see it in how I remember. It’s startling, because have you ever heard of someone doing this kind of thing? I have not. I forget little pieces, but that is just fine, I think. I remember most of them. I feel like I just came out of the other end of the hourglass, and even though I’m in the process of falling into goodness, I’m really not sure how much will ever be there. It feels like freefall. There is only one way out, and it is to keep going.

Some things will always upset me, I think. The very fact that I can say that gives me peace. I will never have everything together, and that is bliss because it simply is. If I let a confusing thing to become a good thing, then I’ve already solved the game, in so many ways. Coming to terms with existence has never been so fast, in pretty much anything I have ever read. I’m not really sure what is going on, but not only do I not control it, I’m just going along for the ride. But there is so much beauty here, and so many beautiful people, and so much left to see and do and celebrate. There is such a strong idea that being miserable is a necessary part of existence, and I see that disproved every single day.

I could do anything with my life, but the most beautiful thing would be to teach, to spread the gospel in traveling if at all possible, as the right times come, and to just experience all that is left. Change is coming to the entire world, and I want to be a part of that.

There are so many people in my life that bless it just by being who they are. I have the opportunity to be around people that I care about. I’m not sure why people get so confused when people are upset. People think that those who have colorful brains are less capable of handling this world, or working, for whatever reason. That is not true. It just isn’t. There is no right job or right education or right childhood or right knowing or right way of explaining, or right good. There is only life as it stands, and as long as going to work and going to school and doing whatever else is something I love, I can do that.

My work has to be meaningful, and not just because I am sensitive. I want my life to mean more. The things I care about and the things I know intuitively and the ways I plan all align in good things, when I allow them too, seeking God first. Tact is a learned thing, but it is so contextual that the raw truth is that I could probably get by with doing it wrong for at least a little while longer. Other people do. But I don’t want to. I need to keep going.

“Move on”. What does that even mean? People think it means dating and ending relationships, but if you’re actually moving towards relationships in the first place, isn’t that backwards? We have all these terrible definitions made by people who thought they were funnier than they are, in today’s context. I swear, all I would have to do to fix so much of this stuff is to describe it fully and work backwards, into the ways other people interpret what I say. That has always been the case, but so be it. It will be good to simply allow good things to adjust.

Moving on is about having the courage you need to accept better things. It isn’t about pride, or fear, or sleep loss, or being unsure. It is about accepting botched tact if necessary, allowing in a reasonable but not overwhelming amount of fear, allowing your bodily cycles to adjust, and allowing uncertainly to live with us. That is an okay thing. It is a hard thing. But it happens.

Self-esteem is not within a vacuum. Maybe I only think that because I have a twin, but you share self-worth, even if you don’t realize it. You share it within all of your relationships, in the scales that you can. It isn’t always perfect, but that is the entire point, because it can’t be. “More” isn’t selfish, it just is. If that is what you need to be happier, find it, and make sure it is good for everyone. If not, then why are you even alive?

It is strange to me that only now is it the right time to say so many of these things. They were always true. In light of the failed economy, did we all collectively forget? Everything crashed, and with our self-worth that we had stored in dollars, so did our memory. It is time to rebuild, but it seems that doing so is a little crazier than we may have first imagined. I’m not sure what will come next, but thanks to God, I’m in a place where I can accept than and run into it.

Is it time to keep going, world? We keep spinning and spinning, and I’m not sure where we’ll all get off. I was once a child and now I can’t claim that, and although my attitude flirts with the past, by all scales of measurement, I am an adult. What the hell happened? How did we all forget? Waking up but in the craziest time that no one can explain. Perhaps the explanation comes as a group?

Run to the good things, for the love of God, or whatever you call him. Please. There is so much work left to do, and if everyone isn’t enlisted in the change that will be coming, we will all screw it up even worse. Saving money, sharing knowledge, learning more is all within our sight, and even if it takes some time to truly be new, it is not in our hands except to try. Please move forward. Who else will walk with me? Please keep going. We need everyone for this.

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Published by

haleylol

I am a teacher-to-be who loves people. I am not afraid of many things. I like to explain my thoughts logically on a very birds-eye view level--I was born thinking that way. I follow Jesus Christ, and I accept only that label to describe my identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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