Stream of Conscious Nonsense about Careers, Mental Health Advocacy in the workplace, and doing good things 2-4

2/4/2015

Stream of Conscious Nonsense about Careers, Mental Health Advocacy in the workplace, and doing good things 2-4

I just want to sit on a tire swing and not give a crap sometimes.

If I don’t hit my head on the top bar,

Then I’ll keep things just as they were.

I don’t think you realize how many people are “childish”,

We all say we want that, but no one ever explains what they mean.

You want someone who makes you feel exhilarating, and spontaneous, and new, right?

Good luck.

Our lives are the intricate inter-weavings of being wrong and being okay with it,

And the consequences those leave.

If I say something as I would say it normally in person, and I say it how I would say it in a paper in hiding,

Perhaps when those two realign and swap there would be no good reason for you to keep talking.

I don’t care,

But if there is any way to get y’all to shut up, I’m willing to give it a shot.

What more will you come up with, in terms of excuses?

Coulda woulda shoulda waahh

Go take your problems to the people who actually have real ones,

Not me,

Them.

Tell them why you feel the need to punish everyone else,

I understand, but it isn’t okay.

I know that bitterness isn’t a choice at first, and it’s an addiction over time,

But holy frick, maybe I just don’t understand.

It was always a choice to me. Every single time. They say it isn’t. If that is true to them, maybe I don’t know everything. I still believe it is a choice. But they could be right too.

I don’t have to be the only person who is right. I know I am at least a little right. Maybe not all the way right. Which is why I expect that others could also be right, in their season.

Nobody knows so much of this stuff. It seems different from different angles, given time, with age and enough choices. One day’s jaded can turn into the next days’ nonsense, and vice versa. We can all heal pretty miraculously, but not everyone believes that can be done. And that is the crux of the issue.

Will you break if I try to break you? If you tell me it was me that broke you, I generally think you are lying. I could have been the culprit. But generally speaking, the broke was there long before me. It may not help that I talk about it, and talk about my own broke, and make you relive that without wanting to. But I’m not broke. And you aren’t either. You’ve just got to find some way to allow that to be the case, and if all it takes for that to happen is for me to shut up, by all means, I’ll zip it.

I want the best for you, even if I’m not an expert at this crap. Good intentions may not be enough, but screw it, they can’t be. Being upset because someone is a hypocrite with good intentions is a lot like being upset that someone is a doctor who isn’t a miracle working Jesus. He can be the blessing. I can’t.

So, where are we at, then? We are stumbling down a long dark tunnel that leads to the light. We are just meandering up a storm, trying to figure out how not to drown, and potentially throwing one another a life preserver. That’s okay, even though I’d rather not drown. I won’t. Neither will you. We will both keep not trying to drown, and for today at least, that will be enough.

All of you guys who think that the world is perfect should also please be quiet for just a little bit. Some of us are still trying to grieve. The world isn’t perfect. But it can be great sometimes. That is part of the same nonsensical gobstopper planet we live in. Maybe global warming will let us know what the true color of the gobstopper is. I digress…

While I’m still enjoying nonsenseland, I hope it’s pink. Not just because pink is everywhere, but because I look great in pink. The obvious choice at the time I realized pink wasn’t Satan was that, dang, it kind of works. It’s a good color. My colors should be the colors that suit my complexion. That way, I can choose clothes that work best. It’s a two way thing. I like the fact that I get more compliments wearing pink. It’s also a part of me, because I look like pink, because of my complexion. No sense in negating a good thing, if it’s already part of your skin. Y’all can have the rest of the colors. Give me pink and a good dose of red, cobalt blue, Kelly green, silver, and random other accent colors. Orange is pretty good, but like a rust orange or a bright aren’t-you-glad-you’re-not-an-orange orange. Those one’s are pretty fly.

I’ve got an idea! How about I appropriate all the outdated slang approximately 6 months after it’s become trendy, for the sake of who even cares! It will be so hilarious, y’all can’t even imagine.

Welp, screw making things up for fun if the fun isn’t there. I know the bare minimum is a thing that people who are rather academic are well acquainted with, but for real, if you haven’t lost the desire to keep going by about halfway through you’re junior year of college, let’s just say it will be with you for life. That’s the bet I’m hedging, and I think I’ve already made it past the worst parts.

Oh well! Screw it! It will be alright. There’s no good reason it won’t be. Sometimes, I’ll be reading research about Neuroplasticity (brain function being restored after trauma or damage, including stroke, trauma, depression/mental health disorders (potentially), and small children who are in situations of abuse), and I’ll be all like, “Why is resilience such a new thing? The only difference is that very few people were ever willing to talk about it? Duh. Why don’t you talk to the really successful people, and change the cultural stigma about mental health, and see who comes out of the crazy-person woodwork. Oh duh. Welcome to February 4th, 2015.”

Duh. For real, suddenly bullying is an actual issue. I think the adults are catching on. Maybe we should give them gold stars for trying. Nice job, old people. It’s nice to finally be able to talk about these things.

It seems to me that a lot of people who have suffered from “crazy” have pretty much taken the world into their own hands, and done whatever the hell they want with it, for better or worse. Which once more is why I’m hedging my bets with Jesus. The guy is never wrong.

I just watched “Runaway Bride” with Julia Roberts, and dang, the girl is crazy. She’s nice, though. I think that makes up for it, because it’s only a movie. Still, I’d rather own my crazy than let it own me. I’d rather use it for a decent reason. I’d rather be all like, “Well yeah, duh. Where the hell have you been? Get over it. I’m doing it. I’ll have that to you on your desk by like, 4pm. Yes. Sounds good. Let’s make it happen.” I know how fake-Julia Roberts felt though. Sometimes you’ve just got to take the bull by the balls and see what happens.

Ok, maybe that was too far. Whatever! That’s probably the case regardless, for some of the crap I say. If it hasn’t killed anyone yet, I doubt it will.

I don’t mean to cuss, because of the context. But mostly, I’d rather enforce that rule in or outside of person. I’m still not sure the internet counts, as long as this is questionably private, and it talks about Jesus. Most of the people who would be easily offended have already left, right? That’s what I thought.

Oh well! I’m still counting the clueless as a blessing. I will fine tune the context as I go, and funny thing, that always changes. I’d rather cultivate knowing what to look for and adapting it than attempting to run with conformity and making myself into something I’m not and cannot be, by nature. If I learn what things to look for, I’ll be much better off. Apart from that, who knows?

Sometimes I get judgmental of myself for being so casual when things really do matter. But I know that. Humor isn’t about negating what matters, it’s about being able to laugh through it in order to make it better, after accepting what is. If you can laugh at it, then you’re probably pretty healthy. Some people suck at laughing.

If worse comes to worse, I can always hide this blog better. Generally speaking, people aren’t going to know that I’m upset unless I let that show. Often, I choose to let that side show, because I don’t see what kind of good reason there is not too. The people that I would rather know don’t mind it, because they understand it. Same with the people I would want to work with. Oftentimes, it is either celebrated or understood. That sounds great to me! Pretty lucky, as a whole, given whenever God could have made me be born. The bright side is that if I actually do get famous, I’m going to have a whole freaking library of advice for people of all ages that may or may not be relevant, and then I will have a better working reference for what all has changed, given the context of my thoughts, and I will be able to understand them better, through the same process as always. If not, I’m still pretty okay in the eyes of God, because he loves me. Who would care, apart from that?

But, as a first option, I don’t want to hide this. I want to share it, and use it to build my understanding. I’m not sure it makes sense to do that at first; not all the way. But this is part of my faith. For whatever reason, I can’t talk about that at work most of the time. I don’t get why not. Collaboration is the precursor to success. Why the hell not? If I understand you and your culture better, I will be better able to work with you. Simple.

If not, then I’m gonna keep it like a sleeper cell awesome. I may have to wait a bit to explode into reality, but I’m making it happen as I can. There is no reason to be afraid, with all the good that is on my side.

I still don’t know where I’ll end up once I graduate, but I know how I think, and if it’s anything like me, I’ll have a variety of different spreadsheets and well cultivated and applied for options to pick between. I will have that decision down to an art. And in the meantime, I’ll be working my butt off to make that an option.

I have to read now.

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Published by

haleylol

I am a teacher-to-be who loves people. I am not afraid of many things. I like to explain my thoughts logically on a very birds-eye view level--I was born thinking that way. I follow Jesus Christ, and I accept only that label to describe my identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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