Lolz on Forgiveness, and working Jesus and homemade bongs into the same joke…


Lolz on Forgiveness, and working Jesus and homemade bongs into the same joke…

You know, I think people make forgiveness too complicated. If you can forgive, you should. If you can’t forgive, you should try. If you won’t forgive, you should probably stop being a jerk. All of those things don’t have judgment unless you make them have it.

Furthermore, why do people put Idealism and Realism at two ends of the same earthly spectrum? Good things happen. Less good things happen. A whole host of exclusively crappy things also happen. Now, given that nobody likes Pessimists, they are already out of the running. But Realists think they have to choose to just mildly experience good things and bad things, in my experience. It’s like in saying both, y’all made each half. Nah. Crappy things are equally vivid as good things. The goal is to get enough of each.

Yes, I said each. That should be counterintuitive, and that is a good thing. You need some mild discomfort to appreciate what you have, and learn to value it. After a while, you will acclimate to what you didn’t like. And then? Well, then I’d say you can go ahead and also count that as a blessing, once you know both sides of what you once considered was only bad.

And that is the Gospel in brief, folks. It spreads. The good spreads. It always does. God made it that way. It’s supposed to multiply. That is not supposed to happen inside its own little salad mixer of reality; sometimes you have to get involved. That’s good. Even if people don’t appreciate you now, one day they might, and either you go with it or you work against it. Goodness is from God. Go with the goodness. To deny it is to choose.

Do you really want to be the one to choose to go against God? It’s like the argument behind peer pressure, but like, in terms of the fact that he created the freaking Universe that you are casually floating in. Might be best to reconsider.

If you need to choose which world religion to bid on, you definitely have your pick. It’s like this spread of awesome things that you could potentially eat. Consider it a spiritual potluck. Only the Meatloaf is made out of the flesh and blood of Jesus. If it’s magical, holy meat loaf, do you eat the meatloaf? What if it turned your hair fun colors, and gave you the ability to become a better person through grace? The goal isn’t to eat the meat loaf for the hair, but the meat loaf is free, so why not? You have to promise to teach others the recipe of the meatloaf if you eat it, though. You still get the meatloaf, but you can’t really taste it unless you share it with your friends and the people who aren’t your friends. Deal?

Well, I dunno, the apple pie looks preeeettty good. And the relish tray, but only for the olives. I could do without the sweet pickles, thanks. I like the look of that lasagna, but I know it has a lot of calories. Nope. All in all, nothing like some good ol’ meatloaf.

^^I used to think talking like that was something bad, but if it struggles to walk like Christ, it struggles to talk like Christ, it struggles to think and feel and give like Christ, then shouldn’t it also struggle to be chill as hell like Christ? C’mon, that guy flipped tables. He said some pretty witty retorts to them Pharisees. If you want mad burns, look at how Jesus treated his disciples, in their stupider moments. He wasn’t mean. He was God. He was also human. But don’t tell me he couldn’t crack a joke or say something with some wit to it. Either you aren’t a fan of Jesus/God, or you have no sense of humor if you sell me that line. Jesus had it going on.

As long as I’m professing the name of Jesus, I’m golden, right? Because that’s the name that saves, it isn’t mine. I know he’s got it. He said parables, okay, and some of those were pretty epically funny. People all like “Nooo Jesus who did that I will stone them”, and he’s like “Actually, it was you” and they’re all like “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATttt….”. That sounds like some pretty real life gospel to me, at least if you have a sense of humor. He inceptioned the Pharisees. Don’t tell me Jesus didn’t have it going on. The fact that you can say that and also be human and know that you can’t be all that great on your own is funny enough to me. But wait. Maybe you don’t know you’re not capable of being funny? Jk I mean human.

But srsly, can’t we all just get along?? I’ll be your “zany” sister/aunt, which is just code for “she says things that I can’t laugh about in public, but we keep her around for that very reason”. That’s okay. I’m entirely aware of that, and y’all can buy me extra Dawn dish soap with your perfectly trimmed coupons for 50 cents less. Think about it. We could grocery shop together, and if we both need dish soap and the coupon is for $1 off two Dish soaps, then I can offend basically everyone in the store, and as long as you laugh and pretend I’m belovedly deranged, we could have Walmart in tears. It’d be great. If you dare me, I’ll do it.

Plus, we all could use a good laugh anyways, these days. If my evangelism turns into stand up, who the hell wouldn’t like that? Give the Christians an outlet for all their handringing, make everyone who isn’t Christian beg to be in the audience. I’ll be that popular you guys. I’ll sign books with a fleet of perfect V8 Extra-Fine pens in black ink, and never mind the fact that I didn’t even write any books. Shhhh and listen to Jesus. I’ll sign his book any day bahahhahhha k. But seriously. This crap isn’t for sale. If I’m doing it as Gospel lolz, then it’s gonna be free.

I must admit, I don’t often do humor intentionally and also write it down. But if I allowed that to happen, knowing that all I need for a good joke is to make a good effort and allow myself to be a conversational idiot for the sake of less stress, wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t you want that at your local, neighborhood Walmart? I’m sorry, but the majority of the Patchoulis already shop at the Merc, and they sell much better organic there. The people from Leavenworth who really just like the Military and Merica frequent the Walmart enough that their motocycle jackets with eagles and work boots startle the Patchoulis, who hate Walmart fervently. They even tithe to specific fellowship community groups because they hate Walmart that much. The University Homies of KU only run into Walmart to drop off their recycling and get more air fresheners for their bathrooms, when they have company (sure). The teenagers only go into Walmart when they want to buy fresh fruit to make better homemade bongs (srsly). And for the most part, everyone else only goes into Walmart to buy cleaning products, fried chicken against your better judgment, and for those moments in which we’ve forgotten our common sense and somehow stopped going to Checkers. They have the best fruit, teenagers. Make your bongs and then eat them #nutrition.

Or don’t. Don’t do drugs. I can find you the research to tell you why not, and I can even probably wrassle up some people who went to rehab in high school that I still know, who are genuinely nice people who got stuck on the wrong side of that bastard cultural double standard. Same reason you shouldn’t smoke. Good luck quitting that crap. Peer pressure is one thing, but rest assured, eventually you will look back and be able to agree (within a group of the peers that once hated you) that actually, THEY were the rookies. Oh bullying. As long as we don’t die from hate crimes, we may survive to realize we were right the entire time. And for real, does anyone actually want embarrassing stories to tell when they’re drinking wine at semi-classy casual get togethers? I don’t want to get black out drunk, actually. That is an idiot choice. It may not be nice to say it, but why act like you are an idiot if you aren’t an idiot? I know the answer. I just want to hear you say that “you didn’t know any better” so you can realize how crappy that sounds coming out of your mouth to me, a complete stranger. Now, say it to your Grandma/Future Employer/Celebrity Role Model/1st Grade Teacher. That’s what I thought.

Let me just take enough selfies that I can call my attempts to disentangle the world’s nonsense something anthropological. Look! The gaggle of freshman draws closer, each performing a different mouth position of supposed hilarity, and potentially intentional mating strategies. The freshman with the largest wingspan takes out his or her phone, and decides to document the occasion through a carefully cued Instagram filter, that has hints of Sepia and Cherry Blossom. Unknowingly, the freshman posture diminuitively, trying to impress the alpha super-seniors, which could never survive in the wild. Patchily bearded, unkempt, and dressed in khakis and flashy travel-grade plastics, the Super Senior sniffs at the air, and realizing that he may actually have a chance (without being convicted for criminal felonies this time), he whips his hair back and forth, like a pre-pubescent Willow Smith. Realizing that the Super Senior clearly has not brushed his teeth in upwards of three weeks, the freshman gaggle dissolves, each recoiling from his stank breath and apparent lack of personal hygiene and work ethic.

Clearly not all 5th year Senior’s don’t bathe, but the point is, if it wasn’t so real, I could make joking about campus an actual thing. I kinda already do. I wonder how far I can stretch that, and when it starts to really hurt others. The only way I know is to try, and to apologize and retreat if I do it wrong. But all in all, that is how humor works as a whole. Humor is the one thing that is guaranteed to be at least partially offensive, and to me, to allow humor to include Jesus isn’t nearly as offensive as it is in line with Reality. If I can pull it off without hurting people (which is why you read body language and change your words as necessary), then I should be okay. If I apologize, it shouldn’t be an issue.

Well okay. I will just try and err my way into not offending people, like normal. Oh ambiguous culture, you just are!


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I am a second-grade teacher and pastor-to-be who loves people. I spend my weekends with friends or wandering the museums of DC alone and with a journal, trying to put words on the places of the soul that still feel wordless. I spent most of my days at school trying to learn patience through my students and running on sheer nerdy passion. I follow Jesus Christ, and savor that as my most important identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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