Forgiveness and aspiring towards Jesus


Forgiveness and aspiring towards Jesus

Sometimes, the process of forgiveness can be disorienting. As growth spurts happen in a person’s faith, it can be a catchup game between what you know is right, and how you act upon it. Everyone knows that good habits take repetition of good actions. But the habits that aren’t visible, do those come from actions too? When we think, is that a kind of acting?

And what the hell is theater, then? Is “acting” about our thoughts? Or is acting about our actions? Could it be both? And could all of it together not be a problem? Could it be complicated on purpose, so that we get in the habit of asking and talking to one another? Could have various opinions be for the goodness of God, and could differences be the only blessing we can’t ever imagine quantifying, because as infinite as the differences have become, the source and fount for each and every one of the diversity of images is the same God?

I sure hope so! I know God is good, so it doesn’t seem so far off. If his image is completely blessed, why don’t we allow goodness to prove us all wrong together? It seems like the best conclusion, given all that.

As I process out what forgiveness means in context, then I realize in hindsight that I am able to forgive myself much quicker than I can forgive others. That may make me “arrogant”, but it just is. I didn’t ask for it, but it makes it so that when I am able to act, I make an effort to act to the full extent of what I know is right. Yes, that takes time. But the decision to make a change is something that I take very seriously, and when I make up my mind, I do my best to make that permanent.

I am not always right, and that can be crappy sometimes; I get that. But as long as I am plugged into God’s goodness and don’t have to supply that for myself, I can learn to listen better, and pay more attention over time. I can realize when I am being unforgiving, and quickly. I can work my emotions into my method of choosing better. I can allow self-control and Jesus to work for me instead of against me, and I can decide to allow myself to go with the flow of what God is doing anyways. Over time, I can give back more of the grace I have received. I can trust that God will make things right. I can allow him to work through me and for others.

Leadership is about being someone who is qualified to lead others, in the attitude you display and the faith that you allow. If you lead with kindness, grace, and humility, those things will become known. If God can be infinitely small, then so can his goodness in your life. If he is infinite, in terms of scale, then being able to appreciate all that he is will always be infinite. My reputation is valuable to me, and as of today, it isn’t much like Jesus. Well, I’m not sure. Jesus was pretty hated. Jesus was also pretty adored. I have no idea! I’m probably somewhere in the middle. I do know that some of the crap I say is pretty controversial. But really, I just think it’s necessary that we have the conversation.

If Sin is all bad, and Grace is all good, then it is clear that most human actions will only ever be somewhere in between. If all humans have certain amounts of information that they can share with one another, then following God at his word and letting his word shape our world seems pretty appropriate. If people actually practiced their faith to the full extent of Creation, there would be no sin. There would also be no Jesus. There would simply be no need, if the Garden hadn’t been the turning point.

I want to be better at forgiveness. I want to be better at allowing myself to admit my own failings, so that I can acknowledge that others failings are not reason to allow myself to be wrong and rude. I want it to come from honesty. I want God to be in control.

I know that God is in control, and that makes me happy. I just want to be more like him.


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I am a second-grade teacher and pastor-to-be who loves people. I spend my weekends with friends or wandering the museums of DC alone and with a journal, trying to put words on the places of the soul that still feel wordless. I spent most of my days at school trying to learn patience through my students and running on sheer nerdy passion. I follow Jesus Christ, and savor that as my most important identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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