I had the most fabulous day today.
In Stats today, we worked through a problem in Microsoft Excel. My teacher is really good at pausing and allowing the class to catch up, if she’s gone too fast. She allows students to talk amongst themselves it order to help one another catch up, in terms of the steps of specific buttons and navigating technology. I respect that. The tone she sets in our classroom makes a person want to learn.
I talked to this guy who has a background in computer software. It’s fascinating, because he’s going back to school now for Psychology. He seemed nice. I hope his career transition goes smoothly. He seems to have it together.
I walked around today with a lot of confidence, and I will tell you how that went. People really don’t like confidence at 9am. They like it a lot more around 3pm. I played on my phone and used it as a prop interchangeably while people watching, since it was 70 degrees out (in January lol; we’re all gonna die hahahha). But yeah, it was pretty delightful. Saw a lot of people I care about. Met a handful of people I had forgotten about, for a time. It’s nice to see them resurface in my life. The happiest thing in the entire world that I can think of right now is when someone genuinely misses you and savors your company, running into you randomly after some time apart. It makes me happy.
Let’s just get one thing established, okay? Allowing people the benefit of the doubt gets trickier as you allow yourself to mature. I have to remind myself more frequently that the person that annoyed me just then is just a person, because I really respect them. Still, even with all the value I can put on just one person, they will never come close to the infinite value of God, and we all fall short, even if I think you’re normally awesome. It makes it kind of hard if you don’t realize you are doing that, though. I have to remember that all the people who are cool have just as much right to be not cool and often, wrong. It’s nice to allow that to happen, but the negotiations with my ego are just as uncomfortable as always, I just allow them to happen quicker. It’s not as painful I think, because I actively try to understand, and the forgiveness is there. But allowing myself to admit that something isn’t okay, but it’s ALSO not the end of the world? That is the hard part. It’s like getting scratched by a kitten and having tiny scratches that burn, but you mostly have to ignore them.
But I got to be outside today. I swear, the healthier I become, the more I crave being outside. It’s a need. I would sleep outside if I could get away with it. It is part of me. Looking up at the sky when it has streaks of white written across it in celestial sharpie? This is where I belong. I wish I could be here always.
My backpack is a chunk. It’s packed tight enough, made by Herschel, that I could use it as a free weight probably, and I do. I fling it around here and there, and I’m happy, because God indirectly is giving my arms muscle tone. Never asked for that. I’ll take it.
I got to be in a the Spencer Museum of Art today. I wonder if I could out-eccentric the art they have there. So long as I’m loveable, it shouldn’t be an issue. But I would like to make a better effort next class to give my professor less crap. He has a lot of cool things to say, and generally speaking, I was kind of obnoxious at certain points today. It was funny, yes. But I think I may have missed a large portion of the point he was trying to get across. Whatever! Next time.
Ella and Teddy like to take care of me. My mom told me how she normally rinses her eyes out with low density saline solution when Teddy licks her eyes and she gets allergic like I do. I tried that. It worked (Thank God). They know my voice, and I was singing because I felt like it, holding both dogs, and it was nice. They like the sound of soothing music, and lullabies. I read some research once that says that dogs don’t like extra noises. But they know my voice, and if I sing to them, they calm down. They curl up in my arms, and Teddy just wants to be held, as per usual. Ella likes eye contact. When they chase each other and I chase them and vice versa, it’s like a three stranded braid when you run, to and from. We trace a path through the yard and it’s comforting, because they enjoy it.
I got to see a lady I met before study abroad, as just a freshman, way back when. Nothing has changed, and most everything has changed, you know? She’s classy. We got froyo. It was nice to just enjoy the day with too much froyo.
I don’t think people realize how quickly you can get across campus if you want to. I swear it’s true. When I have just 10 minutes to spare, not counting the time it would take me to get from Budig to Wescoe (about 6 minutes, walking normally), I know that I can get something done. I did, and it was nice, because now I can plan around even a smaller increment of useful time. I really only ever need to know certain information. I can google the rest. I was thinking, and the only difference between figuring out if the English poach their eggs differently then I was taught or if a software application for stats can make a histogram starting where is what exactly you would have to type in, on a Youtube search. If I know how to make my poached eggs and I google it, then I can compare and contextualize the differences. And if I can’t figure out how to run a software application and I’m stuck? Why not Youtube? That’s how Khan Academy teaches math. Y’all can learn Calculus for funsies. If I have all the technical training I need but only really need to do Calculus, and don’t want to pay for it? Well, I should probably just teach myself Calculus.
The idea is that if you respect someone’s time in teaching you something, you respect that their time might be worth something. Some people charge for teaching, which is understandable, I think. Some people don’t. But if you ask for people’s time, you should be aware that it is valuable. And I’d much rather have someone appreciate my help or anything I have to say then do anything or give me anything anyways. Just let me listen to your story, and learn from you too. One and done.
There’s really no need to panic, in any of this. There never was, but it seems like the default setting anymore is to turn “unknown” into “discomfort” by the simple stroke of an attitude. It isn’t fair, because I think it physically makes life more painful to devalue things and be afraid. It can literally hurt.
I think a lot about what I know and what I don’t know, and it’s funny, because my favorite answer will always be God. I’m not sure what answers I really need, other than the ones he improvises as I watch. I’m not really sure what questions I’m supposed to be answering right now. If I leave it all very open, he decides for me anyways.
I’m not exactly sure what other people seem to think is missing from my life, to get such side eye here and there. I don’t really care, honestly. But the whole tone of daily life changes when I simply talk to them. They smile more, if I make an effort to be nice. It’s strange, but it’s do-able. It’s so strange that this entire time, my mom was right in telling me to just be kind to people. So be it. It’s a life worth living.