Friendships with guys and a Romantic relationship I would care about
I’ve been thinking over the course of today, and I realize that with the boys I’m friends with, I don’t want to be someone who can’t be unraveled.
Does that make sense? In terms of attraction, I never want my guy friends to have to unscramble where my intentions are. That is JUST AS IMPORTANT for girls as it is guys, and I never want to make them feel like they are clueless in how to act in a situation because they are not well-prepared enough for the barrage of my emotions. If I like someone, it is painfully obvious. But for all the boys my age and slightly older that I care about, who are trying to figure out their crap just as much as I am, I’d like to be able to be a decent friend.
Do you realize how little it matters to have boys attention, at this age? If you are overly invested in having it, you will steward it down the drain. If a boy likes me, I want him to like me for my character, and the integrity and faith that I live by. That is my most important thing. Getting my satisfaction from guys as a whole instead of God is not.
Which really should be obvious, if I profess the name of Jesus. Yet, I hate how simple people can make this. Girls look for a man that is more than human and more like God without ever being able to find one (hint: he doesn’t exist. Go for God first. See what happens). Boys want girls that could basically be anything but significantly needy (according to popular stereotypes in which nobody wins). In the meantime, I’d rather just be someone who adds value to the lives of the people I’m around, especially in terms of having a significant other.
I still do like that boy, that I liked before. But as a matter of respect to whomever he ends up with, I’m going to let that go. I like him, yes. But I know that if I care about him nearly as much as I knew I did back then, it will resurrect of its own accord if God happens to provide the opportunity. I don’t want the girl he ends up with to feel hurt by any of this, or him to have to have a long, drawn out story of crazy to explain (even potentially). I want him to be free to make his decisions, and define his life as God intended, whether or not that includes me. And you know what? Regardless of where I am at, I should be okay with that.
It simply is not about me. It just isn’t. That is a cliché thing to not say and criticize from the other side, but everyone lets their ego grow out of proportion until they have to groom it down. I hate that it is that way, but unless you make a concerted effort otherwise, it will be, welcome to Homo Sapiens. Now, does that mean that anything has changed? Well, I’m not sure. But ultimately, that should not be my decision. It should be God’s.
I know for a fact that I am the type of girl that shows she likes someone on her face. The whole blushing bit that can be really inconvenient. I don’t want to diminish that—it’s kind of cool, in terms of being able to be honest with people. However, not all feelings will ever be acted upon, or have, throughout the unwritten course of history. Life goes on, and so should we. It should be enough to leave it at that, and honestly, if I was upset I’d say nothing.
I want to be a friend to the boys I know and care about, so that they can be honest with me. There is a lot riding on romance, and regardless of how my life turns out, I want to be someone a guy can trust to get honest feedback on the crazy that both genders bring to the table. Seriously. Communication is hard no matter who you are.
I don’t want guys’ romantic attention unless they are serious, not because it makes me feel bad or because I can even directly control it, but because I want to set the tone of what I care about now, when I’m single. It is obvious enough if I like someone, because there is NO way to hide it. It’s really transparent. But in a way, I want the guy I’m with to be worthy of my attention, in that he actually wants it, and is willing to sacrifice to provide for his fair share of the weight of having a relationship in the first place. That is common sense, and eventually, common. But regardless of whatever people popularly think about the value of dating, I know I don’t take anything lightly. It is simply not in me. I can have hundreds of guy friends, but in the attitude I take and the tone I decide to reflect, I don’t want the guy that I spend my life with to have to second guys where my priorities lie. If I am with you, it is entirely because I want to be and I commit to valuing who you are as a person. Now, that may be a lot like marriage, yes. But isn’t that the point?
I’m not saying you should scare the hell out of people, like I am want to do, but for real, can’t we all just acknowledge that if you’re going to put the effort into marriage or a romantic relationship, there are certain things all people need? I want to feel protected. I want to be cared for. I want to have honesty in my love life. And because I know how I am and I know what I need, I am simply not able to settle for less, because it will be destructive on the long term. And even if I like someone, if he doesn’t understand where I come from and there isn’t some undeniable need to be with him specifically? I just don’t think I could do that.
I want kids and a family sure, but I know how little I will value it comparatively if it is not something that I am responsible for. Does that make sense? If I put the responsibility of my happiness onto another person, I am just asking for trouble, because he/she cannot be God. I am willing to accept those things, when and if the right time comes. But for now? It can simply be later.
I don’t want the person I end up with to be upset or offended by the choices I make today, because the impact that they will have later can influence how I act in living hindsight; the eventual present day. I do not want to bring a sense of shame to the person I will marry by sending out body language that may cause people to misinterpret my actions. It is not my fault if you think of me in a way that I don’t respect, but at the same time, the way I act and the words I say do have meaning to others, whether or not I accept that meaning. I will keep my eyes on God and figure it out from there, because honestly, I just don’t want to hurt anybody. There is no way to do this right, really, and I don’t plan on restricting what I say or do always, necessarily. But there are moments in which acting in a way that isn’t appropriate can through fire on a flame that was not of my own choosing, but nonetheless, exists. It isn’t fair to punish me for that. But to ignore that the way I act may have some intended or unintended consequence on others? That would be lying.
I know that God judges, and no one else has that right. But if I allow myself to accept that the consequences of my actions do exist AND other people are just as oblivious looking forward as I am, then I am free to assess the pros and cons of my behavior without assuming judgment, and thus, shame. I don’t need a magical wand to fix my problems, I have a Savior who lives and I frankly don’t care what you think, if you are speaking about me wrongly. I am just trying to live my life, just the same as you. I may not have everything right, but lust is a two way street in which I will not assume the full weight of the truth; sex should not be viewed as a punishment nor should it be so indecent it cannot be discussed. This is part of our lives, and as humans, a part of the fabric of how we interpret the world. If I take responsibility for my actions, then at least I know that if someone misinterprets my intentions, I will have full conviction in ignoring the scope of their claims. I will be able to keep my composure, because I know I have chosen better than allowing other people’s disdain for my life, and perhaps after some time, they will also be free to accept responsibility for the negativity they leave in other’s lives by bitterness and complaints. But for now, I’m just living my life and enjoying it for what it is. My beliefs have not changed, but my attitude has, and it has made all the difference.
I never want the men I befriend to have to feel dishonest simply by being around me, and I would like the women they are involved with to be able to trust me. Possessiveness of one’s partner does happen with human beings; for better AND worse. It’s in almost every single stupid culture. If I want better for myself, my family, and my children, I will choose better.
I may not be able to control most things, but I can acknowledge that if I actively participate in my life, knowing and becoming progressively more aware of the consequences of my actions, I will be a more comfortable person to be around. That sounds lovely to me, as the person who has to experience all the potential stress and heart break of not knowing where my intentions stand, or the person who I marry. It’s that simple. I want to be able to expect better, and I will by reciprocating the standards that I would ask before they are asked for. It is a question that is implicit in how I live my life, and if it must be answered, I hope that I could enjoy that process fully, knowing my heart is in the right place. People get old and die anyways; I would like to enjoy what I have while it is still here, and give no one the assumed right to judge in the meantime.
It is funny to me, because human beings are not so different in what they want of romance; it seems that the most pressing needs and desires must come first. I need someone who would take his life seriously, and genuinely enjoy my company. Apart from helping me achieve the things we both want, it is really just a question waiting to be answered.