What can I say? It always resurrects. Yes, because I want it to. Yes, because there’s no way to know. Yes, because it’s always there, no matter if I close my eyes, or dance, or do homework. It always comes back.
It always will. I appreciate the care. I appreciate the compassion, and the respect. But not all things have explanations. I will call it what it is, and I accept the consequences. I know what kind of bargain I’m making. I have no answers. I’m at peace with that when I choose to be, and that is most of the time. But even for what it is, I’m grateful. I am a happy person, today and always, forever now, I think. The rest of everything is not a choice.
What can I say? I CAN say millions of things. Billions of things, in fact. How many words do I know, now that I am bilingual? Where can I go and survive?
If I leave, it will be okay. If I never come back, would that mean something? Yes, I think so. I will always come back. I love my family way too much to be gone like that.
What about the rest? Maybe after all this time, I was wrong. That is okay with me.
If I say always, I mean it. I can’t unsay it, but I can change how I see it over time. The meaning doesn’t change, but it doesn’t have to. It is the truth. I will figure out what it means as I go. But the truth stays that way, it is. It always was. It always will be. If my life is simple but happy, what a gift.
A small corner of reality; that’s all I want. To enjoy my life. To be free to give, and save what else I have to give away. To work hard and love what I do. To breathe, for just a little while longer. My heart is glad when it just is. It does backflips just to know it’s alive.
I’m not sure, but I love not knowing. Of the few things I know, I cannot explain most. A smile. A nod. Cooking and serving food. Providing care, and compassion. The little I know has rewards I dream of.
I trust God, whatever he does. Should I have all things unraveled, at any age? He tells me not to. He will provide. It is enough. It will always be enough. I can breathe, and prepare for the future by learning from the people that love me. And it makes it easier to breathe, somehow.