Welcome to Nonsenseland
Welcome to Nonsenseland. You should know now that it is an enormous social error to allow yourself to have poor shoe lace hygiene, as shoe laces are considered to be an extension of your physical body. I’m going to be your handy dandy tour guide for now, as we examine Nonsense culture on the very broadly designed but knotted nature of shoelace rights.
For this specific confusion, there are only three different viewpoints on the morality of poorly groomed shoe laces. You are your laces. Keep them laced straightly, if you don’t mind. For the purpose of this tour, pay attention! I don’t want you falling behind and we have a lot of ground to cover. But like I said, there are different opinions on this issue, for whatever reason, so let me explain.
The first school of thought on shoelace liberation believes that all people should be free to keep their shoelaces however they please. They are the stereotypical “liberal wing-nut” faction of Nonsenseland, if we’re comparing them to the Real World. Because their attitudes of free shoe lace hygiene and personal freedoms are extreme to many less radical Nonsenseland residents, they are referred to in popular press as “The Nudists”. The Nudists are less concerned about the moral implications of wearing shoes or bothering to tie one’s shoelaces, because they believe that God loves us all equally and will not bother to judge any of us except by our actions and if we are good people. They are currently in various legal battles throughout the country, trying to fight for equal rights for bare feet for all people, and they will take offense if you enter their homes and do not remove your shoes, no matter how badly your feet may stink, or whether you were wearing socks.
The second group of the Nonsense-ordained socialites is called “The Moralists”. They believe that God created each shoelace as an extension of the personhood of each human being, and they believe it is a sin against God and all his creation to not just leave one’s shoelaces untied, but untied in such a way that would literally cause others to stumble. To remedy the likelihood of people hypothetically stumbling over one another’s shoelaces and becoming far or further from God, they have taken up a creative slogan and billboard campaign to inform the world that a day will come in which God pronounces Judgment on all who do not have their laces knotted and bowed before him. They are not the people you would go to if you actually wanted to learn how to tie your shoelaces, because they’d probably go off on a fire and brimstone tangent against Velcro, all the while making Velcro seem like a very sound alternative. They have strong beliefs, but regardless of if you are one of them or not, they aren’t very nice people.
The last faction of our Nonsense society is “The Whatevers”. The Whatevers believe that if a person wants to tie his or her shoelaces one way or at all, they will. They recognize that the Nudists and the Moralists will never come into complete agreement, but they also recognize that while not tying one’s shoelaces is a potential hazard of wearing shoes, not all people have shoes to begin with. In order to remedy the situation of not including everyone in the bickering love-fest over shoelace equality, they send millions and millions of boxes of shoes all over the world, hoping that the rest of the world will work together to not only wear shoes, but to practice shoelace safety, in a healthy, democratic way; to respect all persons opinions about shoelace ownership. The Whatevers neither acknowledge nor attempt to disprove the existence of God, and their beliefs on shoelace equality are very similar to their beliefs on ending poverty and lack of shoes for all people: Eventually if the world is fixed, it should be for all people. Although they are pretty unsure that anything good can come from bickering or not bickering, they know that for all to bicker as one together, all must have shoelaces to bicker over. For the reason of equality alone, they mail out shoes.
The first thing you might notice visiting Nonsenseland, however, has nothing to do with shoes. For reasons of size, it will probably be the billboard campaigns condemning free feet. If not that, then the tension that your will feel walking down the street, and the judgmental looks on people’s faces if you tries to buy a soda in a grocery store without wearing the perfect pair of sparkling white sandals. Your discomfort will probably only intensify when you see slogans asking people to donate their old shoes in large public bins, so that the world can argue as one. You will be more confused when you finally leave Nonsenseland than when you enter. If you are any common dweller of Reality, it will be extremely unclear why shoes have such strong historical ties to Nonsense culture, and also, why they are grounds to violently judge other humans.
This same confusion is mimicked all over the Nonsense world. Many of the people of the Non-world never visit Nonsenseland, but they know that they make very good shoes. They receive them in pretty boxes in the mail. They are grateful, but they aren’t exactly sure who sends the shoes, or why they do it. Nonetheless, some people wear shoes, depending on your Non-country and personal non-preferences.
To conclude, the Nudists, the Moralists, and the Whatevers all make strangers feel unwelcome. They all actively contribute to a national atmosphere of tension, and to a certain extent, violence. They all barely notice the mildly disinterested impact the Whatevers had in sending shoes to the rest of the world. They were good shoes, sure. But did one message of shoelace rights triumph over the others? Was anything ever decided in Nonsenseland? Sadly not. Fantasy tells us otherwise.
For the most part, each of the respective sects of society kept to themselves, except to throw a holiday brick through one another’s window here and there. They were not kind, in fact, they used each of their beliefs to actively try to cause one another to startle into aggression, blaming one another for causing each to stumble, up until the point where the biggest problem was not shoelaces, but murder and looting fallen citizens of their sacred final resting Crocs, as a political protest by the Nudists. In fact, the Nudists became the most extreme of all, and it was only a matter of time before having shoelaces was more of a liability to one’s personal safety, versus a free expression of one’s personal beliefs about God and social conduct. After a while, not only were all shoelaces burned, but any person that covered their feet was sent on political exile to the Real World. Coincidentally, that is how I have become the lost and broken bearer of this story.
In the world that I live in, I am free to choose between Doc Martens and Red Converse, between Sketchers and Light up, Buzz Lightyear toddler sandals, between a bare flip flop made of almost Styrofoam or a conservative lace up trainer. I can work to use online shopping websites to grow my shoe collection to include expensive designer models, high heels I’ll only wear twice over the course of their existence, different shoes for work, external business meetings, going to the bank, and taking my kids to daycare in the preppy area of town. I have complete freedom to choose what I put on my feet, even when it is nothing at all. I decide, but I don’t decide for all people. I decide for me.
Back in Nonsenseland, we were not encouraged to make our own decisions about what constituted appropriate footwear, but in the Real World I can tailor my choices to my needs and often, my opinions, based on the price and circumstance. I have the power to decide not to spend $60 on a pair of white, formerly grocery-store proper sandals. If I choose, I could even wear Crocs from now until I die, regardless of the circumstance. True freedom comes in Crocs, in my freshly reborn opinion. And I am free to believe it.