Oh my Gosh today has been so awesome, you guys. (First day of Spring 2015 semester)
How did I forget about how many people I love to pieces? Even my professors are loveable and really, really weird. I’m so happy to be back.
My friend Jess texted me early this morning out of the blue. Apparently, she’s in Lawrence! We hung out today and wow. I didn’t realize nearly how much I missed her and how ridiculously nostalgic it would be when I saw her. She is just Jess, and I miss seeing her. But life goes on, and things changed, and she had to move, and I went on study abroad, and then last semester…but she came back! And for a few hours over lunch, it was the best thing in the entire world. She is just someone I know for sure is a person I care about. Gonna be honest, I totes panicked and forgot about that about halfway through last semester. But Jess is cool about it, because she knows I’m crazy but mostly loveable. And it was the best thing in the entire world to see her today.
It’s only 4:41pm. Wow. Like, I got to see so many friends today; see so many people I’ve never met and learn bits and pieces of what to expect. Structure is back, even if it’s imperfect! My professors have very unique personalities, and it’s cool. One of my teacher’s is like Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory; he thinks so much and in such circles that it makes me feel so smart to be able to follow along while everyone else is like “Seriously wut”. You see, being a natural Over-thinker myself, I know how to follow his logic in the order he improvises, and while the way he talks can seem like a barrel of monkeys made into a scarf, according to Ratemyprofessor.com, I know that if I pay attention and use my thinking about thinking (metacognition) to figure out where he’s headed in the moment based on what is most important, he will eventually return to his point. It’s like reading a rambler. It’s fascinating. It makes me feel less alone. And even though he’s not funny like, at all, the not funny is funny. It has to do with having a “dry sense of humor” as he put it, but whatever that means, it’s like the absence of humor and the tension of awkwardly failing at jokes is the punchline. For whatever reason, it helps me pay attention. The rest of my classmates, reading facial expressions, looked like they were listening to the worst rendition of the violin by someone who was a trained professional, in a classy orchestra hall, having no option to leave. Welcome to my life, suckers.
I have really weird friends, but it’s all well understood. I don’t even know what I look for in friends any more, but they all turn out somewhat similar in that they’re easy going but also, can be serious. We have a good time. Flexible is the word, I think. My friend Zachary tried to scare the crap out of me today, but he didn’t succeed. He snuck up on me and put his hands over my eyes and said something creepy while Lisa was standing there. It was on me, because I was texting and mostly clueless, but I’m glad that I handled the situation like a normal person, instead of elbowing him the chest like I normally would, regardless of who would try that. It’s a reflex, but it can turn benign jokes violent. Personal space is touchy in anxious situations, and my reflexes are such that, given the moment, I could probably really hurt someone if they snuck up behind me and startled me and I was already really stressed. I think that is a given, with humans, and I also think it is part of what comes with being highly sensitive to your surroundings, when you are also stressed. You may not be sensitive enough to not be pranked, but if you are already very hyper-aware of what is going on in a way that is determined by your brain only and not your free will, you can probably knock someone to the ground without trying, if you have good reflexes. Oh Adrenaline, you jerk/life-saver.
I got to walk all over campus, and sit in the comfy furniture in the library. I forgot how much I enjoy having classes for my major that I enjoy. Like, that is enormous. Cognitive Psychology and Abnormal Psychology are my jam, so I didn’t realize nearly how exciting this semester would be. I still have to go to dance class, and because the description of the class includes anything you might imagine for a dance class of the world, from history to cultural influences to demonstrations to performances, I have literally no idea what to expect. YOLO.
When I came home today, Ella and Ted were really happy to see me. We went outside, and Ted jumped into my lap, he was shaking from happiness and bolted inside. Ella brought me her toy, and insisted we play then and there. They were really happy to see us come home! It’s like they had been waiting all day. It felt right to be able to really appreciate that for what it is, and Ella had me chase her around, with the toy in her mouth. She likes having something to run with when she runs from. Oh the things I’m learning about my Pomeranian.
The joy of having appointments to put on my calendar, though. It will never get old, as long as there aren’t too many. I get to schedule myself appointments again! My life is busy (read: important) enough for me to actually need to use a calendar! Joy of dorky joys!
Talking to Jess really helped me get things in perspective, because I realized how much has truly changed in my life that I may not be aware of. The last year has been absolutely ridiculous, in terms of external changes and how I view the world. Which is great! I can see now why some of my friends were probably seriously confused when I came home. Whatever! They’re still cool people, and I still love them to pieces, but sometimes, things change. That isn’t bad, it just is. It was so great to see her and joke in the same benevolently belittling way as before. It helped really freeze some things, in the way that I had been thinking of them.
Freeze as in ice. So much of what we think as humans shifts around, and it was nice to be able to be around Jess, because the important stuff hadn’t changed at all, even though nearly everything on the surface has. My weight and physical appearance. My attitude and happiness. My propensity to get really upset really easily over things I truly do care about. When did I learn to pick my battles?? Faith. So much needed to coalesce as one, and given how happy today made me and how low my expectations were intentionally set, I feel like I have enough happy as an isolated incident to last until February. Over break, I learned how little I need, in external cause to have joy. Part of that comes from relying on God. No. All of it. Whatever!
I could probably make it until March, but dang! Today was great! I get to do it all again tomorrow, and every day for the rest of the semester, even when I hate it! Woah. Now talk about a perspective shift.
So much was spontaneously resolved just by living through today, in all its bits and pieces. How freaking awesome is that? Like, I’ve been mostly by myself for the last 35 days, and that has been great! But as mostly an extrovert with some shifting around and dancing in-between, seeing my people, especially the ones that I have most missed; now that changes everything.
I like change. I like having differences, and periods of time where it’s necessary to re-evaluate. Holy crap was today fabulous. And it’s only 5:02pm. I still have dance class.