Things I’ve been wrong about since early December
I’m feeling the need to turn over a new(er) leaf this morning, and recognize what I’ve been doing wrong since school ended last semester. To me, this just makes sense, and it is a freeing thing to admit my mistakes, because I know they don’t define me. At the same time, I think writing about flaws in the world and others is callous if you can’t do the same for yourself. So, let’s start that list.
- Being wrong about how my family is trying. My mom has very traditional, worth-ethic centered notions of how families should be run. She can take offense when I forget to do things like chores, and I take offense when she insults my emotions without realizing it. Neither of those things are constructive, but I am just as guilty (if not more) of overreacting most of the time. It isn’t fair for me to be upset with my mom when she asks something of me, I do it, and she doesn’t recognize when or if I’m upset. How would she know if I don’t say something, and don’t say so sooner than when I’m so irritated it all comes out in the worst way? That is definitely something that could be better, and it’s worth putting in the extra effort now, so that I can enjoy the time my parents have left on the earth before they are gone. I don’t have grandparents, but my dad is in his 60s and my mom does work very hard. I need to appreciate that.
- My sister is also making an effort, and I typically bulldoze past noticing. So is my brother Casey and his wife. In the meantime, I’m thankful Lauren left her Christmas candy in her room lolollolol…
- I was wrong about being upset about being bored during the day here and there, and not making an effort to talk to friends because I wasn’t sure I should. Thing is, I normally do, and in the midst of discerning and figuring out some necessary not okay things, I pretty much went off the radar, and was upset about it. Now, I needed to be alone for a lot of this break. But the need to be needed is blinding, and I can forget that if I don’t talk to my friends, they aren’t less my friends. Permanence in relationships still confuses me, and I think that is okay while it resolves itself, so long as I don’t attribute blame to those who don’t deserve it and are actually people I love. I move really quickly with anything I do, and it is time to accept that not everyone does, and that is also a fabulous thing.
- Sleeping in for no good reason. To a certain extent, this is good. Past that, I just resent myself for not doing anything beneficial. I enjoy resting, but too much downtime makes me crazy. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I can enjoy downtime and not enjoy it simultaneously, depending on the circumstance. Oh the joy of grey area…lol.
- I have really taken for granted being able to use my mom for rides.
- I have taken for granted having food in my house and being free to cook with it, and also, the joy of being able to provide care for my family. I love that. I really love to cook and more importantly, cook for others. It’s probably one of my favorite things. That, and dancing.
- You know, sometimes processing things is just crappy, but I’m thankful I have had complete freedom in doing that this break. I am beholden unto no one, and it is such a great feeling to accept, let go, and move on at my own pace. No one is forcing me to acknowledge anything. It’s just the freedom of being able to move on, and happily.
- I’m thankful that I know enough about the law to be skeptical of it, here and there.
- I’m thankful that that healthy skepticism isn’t my most important thing, and when I choose to get off my high horse, I can find the facts.
- I’m thankful for church. Like, enormously so. I’m thankful that people respect me there, and actually listen to constructive feedback I have; they even encourage me to help. I get the feeling that it isn’t the right time yet for me to get very involved, but I’m doing my best to pay attention to what God wants on that one. I don’t think it’s good to accept leadership positions when I still have so much to learn. Although I’m honored that people think I may be good at something like that eventually, now is not the right time.
- I’m grateful for having constructive outlets built into my coming semester, and being wrong about not needing them as much as I did last semester. I certainly learned from that one, lol.
- I have taken my professors, academic advisors, and Honors Program advisors for granted as a whole A LOT. Those people are nice to me 99.99% of the time, even if I’m clueless, pissed, or unpredictable sometimes. They are kind to me, even if they don’t know everything. They try, and they are kind, and that is enough. I like that they aren’t perfect, because neither am I. It’s okay if people make mistakes, and they are people. Which is obvious. Right up until I get ungrateful enough that I forget. That isn’t fair.
- I’m grateful for being able to shop nearly everywhere and being free to ask questions, try clothes on or analyze pros and cons of certain products I legitimately need, and not have any kind of store clerk suspect evil in me or follow me around. That isn’t cool.
- I’m grateful for having a backyard, and I regularly forget about that!
- I was totally wrong about how bored I would be this break. It’s only hitting me right now. Praise Jesus.
- I was wrong about what it means to go back to school ready to learn. It has a lot more to do with calm than being excited. I’m glad I know that.
- I was wrong about how I “hate” chores. I love them, actually. I just need to have a very set schedule for doing them, so I don’t forget. I like being in a clean space.
- You know what? I actually like winter. It’s nice to have the pace of things go a little slower, and a little less predictable. That helped me while I was in Chile. The common denominator between study abroad and Kansas: you may not be able to predict what will happen (Kansas weather and everything on study abroad, lol). But yes, I like it. I wonder if we will get snow?? I bet that would be nice too, in small, safe doses. Some people have never seen snow. Lol, I bet they haven’t seen it when it bleeds into grass, melting either. Oh Spring. I miss you, but Winter is still pretty great too, while he’s visiting.
- I was wrong about panicking about money.
- I was wrong about panicking about grades. It’s easy to get good grades if you keep your head screwed on straight and maintain your common sense. Panic is the worst.
- I was wrong about how great it is to be home. Seriously.
- I was wrong about a lot of the dumb, flippant things I have been saying lately, in my personal bubble. It’s okay to be wrong, and I definitely was. Yet, that isn’t okay on the long run. It’ll be okay, but sometimes, I just need to shut up.
- I was wrong about why being super worked up was a bad thing. It’s the attitude, not the action.
- I was wrong about how to fix my car, and how much that could cost. I was wrong when I got mad with my mom for not telling me about the process that takes. Take the extra initiative, google it. There’s got to be a how-to, DIY article for sourcing and pricing parts somewhere on the internet. She may not be able to explain it, but they can. And then I can ask about specifics without being completely clueless. Get your crap together.
- I was wrong about the process of helping. I need to wait on my ideas and see why which ones stick vs. others. It can be frustrating, because I will never be able to help in various ways I regularly devise in the course of thinking constantly. But that’s okay, God will use me where he needs me, and that sounds delightful.
- I was wrong about impatience manifests in one’s life. Sometimes the clearest failure is blindness, and I am certainly guilty of that, constantly.
It’s time to try a little harder to notice goodness again. I notice it, sure. But if I can do it better? Then today’s good enough is not my best, and I can do better.