Junkie

1/8/2015

Junkie

The adrenaline helped me keep time, I think

At least, I say so.

Within the confines of my mind, was time ever a thing?

We have these magnificent scales to measure each thing

A scale for rice

Seven days a week

12 inches a foot

5mg per day, taken once in the morning

But above all of it,

The best one was the adrenaline.

I sit here, past remnants of fight or flight, my pituitary gland finally getting some rest,

And I try to make sense of time,

That was once only measured in tension.

If no one is yelling,

If there are kind words to say,

If I can spend time in silence to think,

Or yet

Decide not to think,

Where the hell am I?

It’s like this other Twilight Zone descended upon the world

Like someone putting a tin bowl over crickets,

And for the life of me, I’m still trying to catch up.

Organized as hell, but to have my days and seasons determined by only a calendar,

Versus the tears tension and turmoil

Where have I been?

The reality I have been “missing out on” still kinda makes me nauseous.

I worry that there will no longer be any of the sweet feeling of fear and challenge

I have come to call reality.

I like risk, sure

But nothing is so dangerous as the danger in silence.

Did all of that give me a leg up?

Sometimes I think so.

Trying to make gratitude small and still so

Glad I started at all.

I see the consequences daily here and there and yet

The nausea can stay.

Peace,

Stability,

Weathered measures of security,

And silence,

That I am finally not afraid of:

That is comfort to me.

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Published by

haleylol

I am a teacher-to-be who loves people. I am not afraid of many things. I like to explain my thoughts logically on a very birds-eye view level--I was born thinking that way. I follow Jesus Christ, and I accept only that label to describe my identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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