The adrenaline helped me keep time, I think
At least, I say so.
Within the confines of my mind, was time ever a thing?
We have these magnificent scales to measure each thing
A scale for rice
Seven days a week
12 inches a foot
5mg per day, taken once in the morning
But above all of it,
The best one was the adrenaline.
I sit here, past remnants of fight or flight, my pituitary gland finally getting some rest,
And I try to make sense of time,
That was once only measured in tension.
If no one is yelling,
If there are kind words to say,
If I can spend time in silence to think,
Decide not to think,
Where the hell am I?
It’s like this other Twilight Zone descended upon the world
Like someone putting a tin bowl over crickets,
And for the life of me, I’m still trying to catch up.
Organized as hell, but to have my days and seasons determined by only a calendar,
Versus the tears tension and turmoil
Where have I been?
The reality I have been “missing out on” still kinda makes me nauseous.
I worry that there will no longer be any of the sweet feeling of fear and challenge
I have come to call reality.
I like risk, sure
But nothing is so dangerous as the danger in silence.
Did all of that give me a leg up?
Sometimes I think so.
Trying to make gratitude small and still so
Glad I started at all.
I see the consequences daily here and there and yet
The nausea can stay.
Weathered measures of security,
That I am finally not afraid of:
That is comfort to me.