Ifs and Loaded Answers
If I was Bill Gates, I would buy myself some really great fruit
Boxes of fabulous grapefruits that really make you enjoy that God made them
Crates of mangos that are like you just went to India
Pomegranates the are like special diamond, like the five point star that seal them on top
I would buy myself a fruit subscription
And make even better juice.
If I was Oprah Winfrey,
I would probably just talk about Jesus
And lose a good 70% of my following
But she does good things too, I think.
If I was married,
I’d probably get a dog
I’ve got some time ‘til these two check out
So that means I’ve gotta postpone any talk of that
Or ninja marriage proposals that I will just deny like a “Funny Girl” Barbara Streisand
If I got a dog, I’d name him Benjie and he’d be a Boston Terrier,
Which is code for:
“I’d adopt one from the Human society, and teach him to pee outside”.
If I ever met Mark Twain,
I think we’d smoke cigars as we paid someone to canoe us down the river,
And we’d make a series of really cutting riddles and demented jokes about everyone,
Including each other;
I think he and I would get along just fine.
If I ever actually tried pot,
I think I would hate it,
Or I would become a burnout addict,
Give up my love of spreadsheets that maintain and organize the crevices of my soul,
And develop a taste for wine and an Indie Book club,
Do they even have those?
Do you think the gut bacteria inside you right now have a good life?
Do you wonder how long it will take until the moon gets taken out by a bastard meteor?
Do you enjoy Poker (this is a trick question; don’t ask, just don’t say yes)?
Do you like sprinkles (also a trick question)?
If I told you with a straight face that there was an eyelash on your cheek
And then acted completely natural, could I fake you out and make you wipe for it?
Or would I even remember to screw with you
(Prolly not unless you’d definitely let me)?
Would you forgive my antics and not make me upset because I srsly cannot tell sarcasm?
You really don’t want to start that contest,
Just ask my friend Jess.
I’d probably pout and make you wish you hadn’t started a contest
Because I’d be so dumb and obnoxious.
How long would it take to finish a 1000 piece puzzle,
If that was a contest?
You could build
I would be Godzilla.
If at any point you were to buy a small winery,
Where in the world would you put it?
Would you go with the hardier grapes
Or would you shoot for rich undertones of orange and spices?
I still know next to nothing about wine.
If you had a dollar for every tear that you cried,
Which multimillion/billion dollar retail chain would you buy
Of the vendors in the Oakpark Mall in Topeka (KS)?
I would go with Teavana.
Were you afraid of the dark as a kid,
And how drastic would you go to beat your siblings in a race of who is the greatest?
Keep in mind,
I practically ripped out teeth;
Tooth Fairy’s got nothing on this.
If you had to pick between be able to ride a pet Pterodactyl,
Being able to have three wishes in the Aladdin formula and criteria popularized by the late Robin Williams,
Or being able to walk and/or skate on any kind of partially liquid surface,
Would you name your Pterodactyl after me?
If you had to grow a garden,
Would you grow the little red berries with white flowers and green shoots,
The little red berries with seeds the size of poppy seeds and tiny hairy bodies like circles,
Or the little red berries that grow against the soil, often get slugs, and burn red in the sun?
At what time would you be free to share?
And last but not least,
If you had to be any kind of snowflake,
One that had 10 points
One with 12 little lace arrows
Or a figurine inside like a pirate’s steering wheel,
At what point would you consider buying me some froyo?