Ifs and Loaded Answers


Ifs and Loaded Answers


If I was Bill Gates, I would buy myself some really great fruit

Boxes of fabulous grapefruits that really make you enjoy that God made them

Crates of mangos that are like you just went to India

Pomegranates the are like special diamond, like the five point star that seal them on top

I would buy myself a fruit subscription

And make even better juice.

If I was Oprah Winfrey,

I would probably just talk about Jesus

And lose a good 70% of my following

But she does good things too, I think.

If I was married,

I’d probably get a dog

I’ve got some time ‘til these two check out

So that means I’ve gotta postpone any talk of that

Or ninja marriage proposals that I will just deny like a “Funny Girl” Barbara Streisand

If I got a dog, I’d name him Benjie and he’d be a Boston Terrier,

Which is code for:

“I’d adopt one from the Human society, and teach him to pee outside”.

If I ever met Mark Twain,

I think we’d smoke cigars as we paid someone to canoe us down the river,

And we’d make a series of really cutting riddles and demented jokes about everyone,

Including each other;

I think he and I would get along just fine.

If I ever actually tried pot,

I think I would hate it,


Or I would become a burnout addict,

Give up my love of spreadsheets that maintain and organize the crevices of my soul,

And develop a taste for wine and an Indie Book club,

Do they even have those?

Do you think the gut bacteria inside you right now have a good life?

Do you wonder how long it will take until the moon gets taken out by a bastard meteor?

Do you enjoy Poker (this is a trick question; don’t ask, just don’t say yes)?

Do you like sprinkles (also a trick question)?

If I told you with a straight face that there was an eyelash on your cheek

And then acted completely natural, could I fake you out and make you wipe for it?

Or would I even remember to screw with you

(Prolly not unless you’d definitely let me)?

Would you forgive my antics and not make me upset because I srsly cannot tell sarcasm?

You really don’t want to start that contest,

Just ask my friend Jess.

I’d probably pout and make you wish you hadn’t started a contest

Because I’d be so dumb and obnoxious.

How long would it take to finish a 1000 piece puzzle,

If that was a contest?

Get excited

You could build

I would be Godzilla.

If at any point you were to buy a small winery,

Where in the world would you put it?

Would you go with the hardier grapes

Or would you shoot for rich undertones of orange and spices?

And yet,

I still know next to nothing about wine.

If you had a dollar for every tear that you cried,

Which multimillion/billion dollar retail chain would you buy

Of the vendors in the Oakpark Mall in Topeka (KS)?

I would go with Teavana.

Were you afraid of the dark as a kid,

And how drastic would you go to beat your siblings in a race of who is the greatest?

Keep in mind,

I practically ripped out teeth;

Tooth Fairy’s got nothing on this.

If you had to pick between be able to ride a pet Pterodactyl,

Being able to have three wishes in the Aladdin formula and criteria popularized by the late Robin Williams,

Or being able to walk and/or skate on any kind of partially liquid surface,

Would you name your Pterodactyl after me?

If you had to grow a garden,

Would you grow the little red berries with white flowers and green shoots,

The little red berries with seeds the size of poppy seeds and tiny hairy bodies like circles,

Or the little red berries that grow against the soil, often get slugs, and burn red in the sun?

Better yet,

At what time would you be free to share?

And last but not least,

If you had to be any kind of snowflake,

One that had 10 points

One with 12 little lace arrows

Or a figurine inside like a pirate’s steering wheel,

At what point would you consider buying me some froyo?


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I am a teacher-to-be who loves people. I am not afraid of many things. I like to explain my thoughts logically on a very birds-eye view level--I was born thinking that way. I follow Jesus Christ, and I accept only that label to describe my identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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