Laughing yourself asleep (from last night @ 1:30amish)
(Note: In hindsight, lol)
Oh Insomnia, you terrible, questionable state of being. It is hours earlier than last night that you’ve decided to gnaw at me with your boney, naggy fingers. Go nag someone else, you jerk.
While Insomnia is over there crying in a corner, I’m going to give a quick scattering of some of the more boring jokes from the falling asleep gag reel that is being exhausted and also, slowly but surely tripping my brain tired.
- Do you guys (gonna speak to an imaginary audience here. In my head, it’s a random thought, I address it to no one) think that I could be the next slogan of creepy, derpy abstinence? If it’s for a good cause and promotes healthy, informed choices based on understanding of your options, I think I would let that happen. I’d hold up two thumbs like a derpy Chipmunk and they could make some hella tight font and print my name on milk cartons.
- Is that my heart beating inside my chest? Like, is that it seriously getting smaller and bigger??? Hannibal, go crazy, you’re creepy moment has come to vicariously get your kicks. Prepare the beans.
- When you get skinner and your face gets skinnier, does the fat under your eyebrows also disappear? I miss that padding now. Dry skin and winter have made me start to have this weird tight feeling when to move my face. I hate it. Winter should just stop. Jk. Then we’d probably die. It is snowing right now. What. Like, going to church tomorrow, there’s gonna probs be snow on the ground, I forget but if I signed up to be a greeter that’s gonna be an adventure #yoloswag. Mk. Moving on.
- I wish I had corn rows.
- Do you think my skin would be better if I took prenatal vitamins? Somebody once told me some piece of common knowledge about that maybe being good for you that I can barely remember now. I could google it. So tired…
- How long does it take your ear piercings to close up?
- Do you think if you sat down for tea with Lil Wayne and the Queen of England, neither person would be offended if you compliment their personalities? I like being nice to people, but sometimes there’s enough nice things to say that you kind of have to pick and choose. It’s all genuine. Some of it is more relevant, given the situation. I just want to know if I complimented Lil Wayne on his pig tails, would the Queen feel awkward? Huh. Maybe I’ll ask eventually…
- Why do we have mules? Why do we make Ligers? Do we want animals to live sterile, meaningless lives, or do we only reject full bodied images of personhood when we spay and neuter our pets? I can get rid of my dogs “manhood” but God forbid I make some sort of bizarre Giraffe raccoon hybrid that can’t reproduce. If we want to seriously freak out, we should just do anti-abortion advocacy better. If my dog can get a parka with slippers, then maybe so should “the unborn”. I’ve never dealt with that in my life, but I think God should decide which babies are born. Miscarriages happen enough anyways. That, and terribly botched adoptions. Please, if we have a Child Development class taught regularly at my university, I wish we could teach a Parent Development class. Talk about the Psychology of Reproduction, but after you’ve had the child. Could be interesting, if it relied on research and not family histories. We all have those. I’d like to know what goes on in parent’s heads when it goes clinical.
- Sometimes I read my psychology textbooks, and I wonder how many crazy scientists would like to crack me open like a walnut, like every mad scientist Frankenstein-remake ever. I have a twin. You guys could walnut her too. I don’t understand, because all you’d find is brains. My brain is so much better kept its traditional resting place, but I mean, you and Hannibal could call it halfsies if y’all weren’t just gonna eat my flesh. I just ask that you donate my brain to THE SCIENCE. Please give it its own room. And a guest cot for visitors. I don’t want my brain to be lonely, up there in the vault of the future. Even gray matter matters, you guys.
- I think the only people who have to ask “Is this what it is like to be high” have clearly never been high ever. That’s good. I’m with y’all. I’m just saying, if you knew you would not need to ask.
- All those dumb movies about men that are 40 year old virgins have got to be a running joke since all of time. It isn’t okay. Stop please. We could do with less sexual shaming of collectively everyone and just solve our stupid problems already. Someone else’s sex life is not your business unless for some reason, you and them are both ok with talking about it. If not, stop being a jerk. How complicated does this have to get? I’m sorry that we haven’t risen above 6th
- If we made Bubble Tape like a party streamer, would anyone actually want it?
- My do people print exercise rituals in magazines? Do those things even get along?
- What is inside a battery? Battery acid, right? Anything else?
- Does cotton candy have little shards of glass inside it, or is that only when you crunch it and have eaten so much that you have sugar sores in your mouth? Also, you should consider eating less sugar if you want to eat your gums. Slap that on a can of soda and you’ve got a Killjoy that sounds like your mother.
- We all know that smoking is bad, right? I thought I’d go there since like, we’re already down awful chastised memory lane.
- I remember this one time in my 9th grade English class, I made up a story about a caterpillar falling off a leaf. Totally don’t still have it. I think. I’m pretty sure his life flashed before his eyes and he said something cynical and cryptic. That has nothing on the eighth grade horror story of the Apple cored at Thanksgiving. I was a dark time. I was thinking about the Holocaust and genocide, and the holidays were not my friend. He grows into a tree eventually though, on the hill overlooking the garbage heap. Nathaniel Hawthorne me something out of that trololololoolk.
- Was Jane Austen even a fun person in real life, or was she a hermit person? My Dad’s kind of a hermit, but I think he’s come to terms with it. Some people are just like that. As long as you don’t kill people and are somewhat nice, I still think you’re still mostly golden.
- If I had a slip in slide in the snow, would that even be fun? Like, laying down a tarp on top of the snow, and sledding on it? I know nothing about physics or plastics, so it’s a wait and see kind of thing. Ehh. Never mind. I’d rather save my neurons for heavy lifting about how to fill balloons with paint for art projects with balloon darts circa the Princess Diaries.
- Christmas caroling would be nice, I think.