Peace over growing older
I guess after all this time I simply don’t understand. The world tells us we are flaky for exploring what we love, they tell us things like “you will never hold down a real job” and “grow up” and “slow down”.
I just wonder how long we will continue to listen to them.
I was sitting on my bathroom floor last night, and some of it just made sense. I realized that with the roster of current skills I have, I could easily be happy for the rest of my life no problem. I’m not sure why that is or is not a surprise to some people.
I know that for me, worry is doubt with a bow, and blindness is whizzing by me constantly. I may be able to tell if people are lying to me or hiding something, but they rarely can. It’s uncanny; I’m forced to file it away in this catchall category of things I just don’t know and don’t understand, and I’m really okay with that.
Why do we make all of this so complicated? I feel like I just needed to take a very calculated amount of time to adjust to where I am in the scope of the Universe, and whether it’s here or in Chile, no one has a full idea of what they are talking about. No one is me. Most people that try to give advice sell it or hide it or cast it through bias, and I’m just so drippingly over it.
Wasn’t this always going to happen, this identity formation/ whatever we’re calling it stuff? I like to be certain. If that makes me a “late bloomer”, I seriously don’t care. The only time I have ever cared was when people try to slow me down. FROM WHAT?? I thought I was too slow for you?
Why do we meddle so much in each other’s happiness? Could it be ok for just a little while to not know? I have always seen that to be better on the long run. Instead of jumping to conclusions, people learn to sit with unpleasant realities and work for a solution. How else will it last?
The most basic of basic things: wait. Yet we even put limits on waiting! If I wait and it comes to dating, I am either delusional, a prude, or supposedly insecure. As if.
I may be fiercely independent, but I cherish it. It gives me peace to be my own person in world that has always insinuated that dreams like mine are too lofty, or we should all accept a certain measure of being miserable, or we should keep our fears as little carbon relics on a shelf to pull out when we get bored and can’t suffer them away.
The crux of it all is that happiness has so very little do with it. It is nice, but it comes and goes and I’d much rather have deep roots and brain that can analyze situations and seek their resolution well. That makes the most sense, it is the most mature. And yet, people put their focus on things like buying cars or houses, on GPA and significant others, on marriages and babies they won’t fully appreciate.
If you have any of those and you are young, let God make them a blessing to you. But to have something so precious and never know it’s worth? Why have it? If you have a child and/or partner, especially! People are not possessions, and yet, we reduce them to how they make us feel. We need to just live. Nothing has ever been perfect that you or I or your parents or my grandparents ever knew. It does not have to be nearly so complicated.
Tens of thousands of youth realizing all of that in tandem, and yet, to be a pariah is to tell others to calm down. How utterly ridiculous! You would think if people needed help, they would ask. Therein lays the difference.
If writing about all this makes me selfish, can I have a button? I’m still not entirely sure what anyone wants. I’ve always been the clueless one at any decent party and the one that knows too much in a crisis. Hah! Priorities for ya, I guess.
I think the trap that is most obvious for people like me is to believe anyone has the answers (if you are pretty confident you know them and just need time to find out). Ignore what a ____ person will do. Live. Should it be so complicated?
It is so riotously funny that for all people think is wrong with me, the rest of my natural life span seems like a breeze. It’s like you stacked all the crazy at the front, and if that is over, the rest of it is going to be like a comparative picnic. People younger and older than me think that that is either arrogant or selfish or, my favorite, “unrealistic”. It’s not. Wake up.
This was always going to happen. It’s good. I’m happy. I don’t want a race to the alter or any of that, never have. I want relationships I can appreciate and babies that I can parent well, and things I don’t have to cry over and a successful marriage that doesn’t cost me my sanity. I’m not sorry I know that personally; I will never settle for less.
I know life is complicated, but is is not so complicated as the fuss we make. I have most of the practical skills I would need to run a church with help, and they are not taught on Sunday. So strange. I learn more about God, who I love most, and over time that will help me do all of it well. But how long will it take for us to realize that if we settle, based on what other people what for our lives, we will struggle with regret as we age? I can’t have everything, so I have chosen what path promises to give me the most of what I want. And guess what? That path is still God.
Listening to people’s stories, talking about Jesus, serving my community, learning for the rest of my life with people who also care about Jesus. Could there be anything better? I still don’t think so.
When I was a child, I used to dream that an older version of Haley (me) would come rescue me from the bitter, lonely, crazy I was living in. It is so bizarre, because like magic, I became that woman. I do not know if she would have been the imaginary friend most children needed, but she was all the things I always wanted to be. Sometimes I’d be talking to her or writing to her, and there would be this overwhelming sense of peace. And who knew? I have become her now.
It was the sweetest dream I could imagine, and now it’s fully mine. I lived to see her slip into my skin, and again long enough for me to realize there was never any difference. Put that in your textbook.
There are no easy answers. You’ve got to find them. That doesn’t make you weak, that makes you qualified to accept your choices with grace and dignity. You should be able to feel and live however you’d like, but you should know your options. If you will decide anyways, it’s best to understand in advance. Nothing could have made me happier in life than becoming the Older Haley that cared and was always there. She would follow Jesus, hell, she probably knows him very well. It’s like throwing back kindness through the fabric of time when I know him better and live in his grace. It is the most beautiful symphony of love I could never fabricate. I could not want anything else. Peace.