This is the life I have chosen. I knew it as a child, I know it now, I knew it back in junior high; I knew it when I boarded that plane to leave.
It has been a long process, I will not lie. This is my calling, it just is. It always has been; it used to be so obvious that I rarely ever thought about it.
As I have steadily remembered more at more like clockwork, it has become so glaringly transparent that this is the life I chose, not just now, but in every moment of my life, even in doubt and indecision. This is who I am, and it was always beautiful to be born this way. God loved me so much; he saved me from literally everything. I am happy to share this finally, because although few people would have known the context before I started this blog, this is my decision. This is mine and it feels like this peace like iron in the temples of my brain and it is calm. Long before I started college, I began to think about what it would be like to serve God. I decided to just do what I could to professionally volunteer when that plan seemed hopeless during depression and also, high school. I went to college; I wanted to find God the entire time. People told me so many stupid things, both Christians and everything else that I literally forgot everything and it only came back like an atomic bomb in coming home and falling in love. Odd, but I doubt it is all that uncommon, actually.
Now, I have peace over this, and I trust my friends will respect it. Many of my friends know me as someone who means what she says and does it with no indecision. This is like that, but even more so.
I have written about many things here, but I have not been transparent about how strong this is, not entirely. It’s like an overarching kindness and gratitude to be alive. When this semester unfolded and it mimicked my depression in every way but faith, God wasn’t just still good, he was even better. I have nothing to complain about, nothing to worry about, just peace. Let it be good.
No one could make this decision for me. I tried to postpone it in moments of doubt, but I’ve always known it would be around now when I chose for sure. The way I know is a feeling that I have felt before, but stronger. I often empathize with myself in the future by feelings, call it what you will. This is all of the conviction I have ever had, like steel over my heart, mind, and spirit. It just is.
This is the poem I wrote about this just now, and it is not perfect. I don’t want it to be. If anything it can commemorate this decision as I head into the New Year and the entire world with me. It is for God only; not me and not the world. It is in the name of gratitude.
This is the double gilded mirror
And it’s dangerously close
Two ends of the same polar spectrum
The people I love play a dance with me
We move on either side
The same flaws and goodness in each of us
Two steps from left to right.
I reach my hand out to the mirror to speak
We both recoil.
She reaches her hand to the mirror
And waves; my friendly foil.
I am like them now that I have chosen,
This will be my life,
I have decided upon this path,
Let goodness triumph strife.
This is not convenient, in fact,
It is rather new,
I will not ask, at least, not all,
I will esteem a chosen few.
It is an honor to live and a burden to die,
I have chosen this life.
And come here or there, hell or high water,
Christ has paid the price.