Emmanuel, you were mine


Emmanuel, you were mine

They say that the Devil scattersnatches little seeds from the dust that God made

And it breaks my heart to think of it.

I get the angriest glares from people who know what I’m talking about

And they’re on either side of the aisle when it comes to forgiveness.

I just don’t understand

Why would you hate my for my happiness?

I wish the same for you

However you want to define it

That’s it though,

You hate me because we are the same.

I think it’s funny when you absorb the mirror and mimic

Because the closer you get the more angry people react

I’m not talking about personal space

I mean that the more I look like you, the more you hate me

Those are the friends I most fight with

And the family that most makes me hurt

Those are the ashes of the anger that I had to willfully abandon

And the offering that I nailed to the cross when I chose this life

It was a choice.

When I think about the right the reaction and the retaliation

I think about Christ on the cross

Absorbing blow and blow after blow after blow after blow—

And I’m thankful that it can all be lost in an instant

Because then at least we’re keeping it real.

Christ said that he is in each of us

That if we hurt each other, goading out into cowardice to stumble

We will be just as broken

Will we know it?

I hope so, that we might find our way home as we are

Lost and forgotten

At least to each other.

I may not have seen much of the world, but it’s such a little place anyways

I think of the words of any parent who watches their child shatter and scatter into the dust

The dreams and screams of MY SON that are real everyday

And part of me shatters apart because I know it’s true.

You did that for us,

And Christ did it as the most epic magnifying glass

It was enormous

What does it take to repair infinity?

Fuck if I know.

He did it

Ask him.

I just don’t know sometimes though

When the screams shatter glass in movies

The veil tearing must have been incomprehensibly frightening

Screams can shatter glass

But blood tore the veil

Call that a sacrifice and condemn it one more time

I won’t dare you

I will weep with.

God damn

I just don’t understand what all is out there nearly half as much as I would need to even address anything

So I try not to try

I try to feel

To sit with

To cry with

To mourn when I would mourn alone anyways

The nakedness of Israel, yes

I imagine it is a lot like the bare broken and forgotten truth

I forget whether we are texting that or printing that any more

I simply don’t know.

I believe in a God that would weep with us if he was here right now

I believe in a God that we see everywhere but are too blind to recognize all but an infinitely tiny part of the time

And I believe that the only way to know reality is to run into it, not away.

If you love each of us more than I can imagine,

You must weep so bitterly as we stumble

Knowing that you can do nothing but watch and send us clues and the Holy Spirit

To be like us to know us and to be apart

I know that must hurt indescribably.

You would stretch out your hand to me whenever I ask

But I would chop off my hand if you could be the one to save them and intercede

Because I do a really shitty job and my ego rules me when I get too close

I fucking hate it.

I like to think though

About the day that none of it will matter

It will be the first blank state

But way happier and freshly new.

We all have a Savior,

I know it is true,

We keep looking for him

Would it be enough if we just prayed and asked for him to come to us?

I promise, he will. He will every single time,

He never forgot,

He never left,

He could never stop watching

And weeping with us,

I promise it’s true,

I know that he will prove it, I don’t believe in justifying something so perfect

So I won’t try.

But to think that he would run with

Be with


It will be ok.

When I’m scared, sometimes I ask for peace

Because I know it will be sent

And I know it’s everywhere if I let it be.

You have to do it all backwards

You can’t skip anything

You can stop any time you want

I hope you don’t though

I don’t want to see you cry

Because those are tears he shares and I love you both.

It can be that huge! I swear

It isn’t hard

It’s like breathing

Say “never again!”

It’s not idealism

I promise.

Tears on tears on thorns

And mercy that just is,

That is the Savior I know that gave saltwater blood sweat and the Holy Spirit

I know it’s true

Flesh for flesh, that’s each of us,

Call me a zealot again

I hope so

Because if that hope is as big as it can be

Then he’ll come back even quicker

And the best part of heaven on earth is that it’s immediate if you’re looking

I don’t have to wait for any of it

I can just be free in all that he gave.

It will meet me here where I am

I can trust that in being still

I am free.


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I am a second-grade teacher and pastor-to-be who loves people. I spend my weekends with friends or wandering the museums of DC alone and with a journal, trying to put words on the places of the soul that still feel wordless. I spent most of my days at school trying to learn patience through my students and running on sheer nerdy passion. I follow Jesus Christ, and savor that as my most important identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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