Emmanuel, you were mine
They say that the Devil scattersnatches little seeds from the dust that God made
And it breaks my heart to think of it.
I get the angriest glares from people who know what I’m talking about
And they’re on either side of the aisle when it comes to forgiveness.
I just don’t understand
Why would you hate my for my happiness?
I wish the same for you
However you want to define it
That’s it though,
You hate me because we are the same.
I think it’s funny when you absorb the mirror and mimic
Because the closer you get the more angry people react
I’m not talking about personal space
I mean that the more I look like you, the more you hate me
Those are the friends I most fight with
And the family that most makes me hurt
Those are the ashes of the anger that I had to willfully abandon
And the offering that I nailed to the cross when I chose this life
It was a choice.
When I think about the right the reaction and the retaliation
I think about Christ on the cross
Absorbing blow and blow after blow after blow after blow—
And I’m thankful that it can all be lost in an instant
Because then at least we’re keeping it real.
Christ said that he is in each of us
That if we hurt each other, goading out into cowardice to stumble
We will be just as broken
Will we know it?
I hope so, that we might find our way home as we are
Lost and forgotten
At least to each other.
I may not have seen much of the world, but it’s such a little place anyways
I think of the words of any parent who watches their child shatter and scatter into the dust
The dreams and screams of MY SON that are real everyday
And part of me shatters apart because I know it’s true.
You did that for us,
And Christ did it as the most epic magnifying glass
It was enormous
What does it take to repair infinity?
Fuck if I know.
He did it
I just don’t know sometimes though
When the screams shatter glass in movies
The veil tearing must have been incomprehensibly frightening
Screams can shatter glass
But blood tore the veil
Call that a sacrifice and condemn it one more time
I won’t dare you
I will weep with.
I just don’t understand what all is out there nearly half as much as I would need to even address anything
So I try not to try
I try to feel
To sit with
To cry with
To mourn when I would mourn alone anyways
The nakedness of Israel, yes
I imagine it is a lot like the bare broken and forgotten truth
I forget whether we are texting that or printing that any more
I simply don’t know.
I believe in a God that would weep with us if he was here right now
I believe in a God that we see everywhere but are too blind to recognize all but an infinitely tiny part of the time
And I believe that the only way to know reality is to run into it, not away.
If you love each of us more than I can imagine,
You must weep so bitterly as we stumble
Knowing that you can do nothing but watch and send us clues and the Holy Spirit
To be like us to know us and to be apart
I know that must hurt indescribably.
You would stretch out your hand to me whenever I ask
But I would chop off my hand if you could be the one to save them and intercede
Because I do a really shitty job and my ego rules me when I get too close
I fucking hate it.
I like to think though
About the day that none of it will matter
It will be the first blank state
But way happier and freshly new.
We all have a Savior,
I know it is true,
We keep looking for him
Would it be enough if we just prayed and asked for him to come to us?
I promise, he will. He will every single time,
He never forgot,
He never left,
He could never stop watching
And weeping with us,
I promise it’s true,
I know that he will prove it, I don’t believe in justifying something so perfect
So I won’t try.
But to think that he would run with
It will be ok.
When I’m scared, sometimes I ask for peace
Because I know it will be sent
And I know it’s everywhere if I let it be.
You have to do it all backwards
You can’t skip anything
You can stop any time you want
I hope you don’t though
I don’t want to see you cry
Because those are tears he shares and I love you both.
It can be that huge! I swear
It isn’t hard
It’s like breathing
Say “never again!”
It’s not idealism
Tears on tears on thorns
And mercy that just is,
That is the Savior I know that gave saltwater blood sweat and the Holy Spirit
I know it’s true
Flesh for flesh, that’s each of us,
Call me a zealot again
I hope so
Because if that hope is as big as it can be
Then he’ll come back even quicker
And the best part of heaven on earth is that it’s immediate if you’re looking
I don’t have to wait for any of it
I can just be free in all that he gave.
It will meet me here where I am
I can trust that in being still
I am free.