Ok, since it’s not even Christmas yet by like 48 hours, I’m going to keep with the crazy and jump right in to my New Years resolutions that will never happen.
I first imagineered this idea rambling in my COMS class to some talkative homies, and it is thus: I want to combine the mutual effects of a blanket, a onesie, a sleepingbag, and an outfit for the Winter Holocaust known as snow and/or inclement weather based on the fact that I am about as lazy as they come and I regret nothing.
Now, I know that I can rock just about any outfit because I can even make the 80s cute if I try (I swear to God it’s about the attitude and literally nothing else so help me it’s the truth), BUT it would be an entirely new frontier if I decided to walk around wearing a cocoon.
Now, this may seem like a bad idea, but we have not fully discussed all the facts in this matter:
- I could line the inside with microfleece and dreams.
- I could make a pouch to allow my Pomeranian Ella to pop out her furry little head like my baby and we could scare literally everyone.
- If I did it right, it would be like a glorified jumper/ear of corn with legs.
- I may be able to accesorize a belt.
- I could put in a cupholder.
- No more leg warmers necessary to disguise my ratty tennis shoes and make up for the fact that I will not throw them out so help me God.
- Lawrence has already seen worse.
- I could put on a magnet board on the back and have people leave me inspiring messages about their hopes and dreams and the most intense desires of their souls, like the Mirror of Erised meets bullying meets comfy.
- I just want to live in a world where everyone has access to insulated leggings, and this will be a step in the right direction.
- I might be able to get funding from the some dumb thinktank foundation if I proved that it could end poverty and childhood hunger.
- That sounds evil, but if I could find a way to end poverty and childhood hunger and also do it with a caterpillar suit, HELL TO THE YEAH
- I might be able to evangelize more effectively, since apparently a lot of people think I am out to voodoo witch hunt infiltrate their precious souls with the rich, rich chocolately taste of Jesus. No but really, how can you be ashamed to accept Salvation if the person talking to you is dressed as Corn? Good luck with that. We’ll deal with the lukewarm thing later, the point is that you’re saved. Let me just smack you on the forehead with a Bible and pass you the honorary button. If I speak over you in tongues, you will never turn down a cup of coffee ever again! Miracles of the Lord #hallelujah #butsrslytho
- Now that we’ve already taken blasphemy one step further, how about we follow that up with a dose of white guilt about privilege? C’mon, y’all knew this was coming. Ok, no, actually, privilege is alive and well and it mocks itself just fine, and I don’t need to say anything more about that than seriously, what the hell.
- I’m going to take this opportunity to tangent off about butterflies! They fly! And they’re pretty! OOOOHHHHHhhhh AND NOW I’M GOING TO TIE IT BACK TO CATERPILLARS AND CREATIVITY AND MAGIC AND LOLZ AND HAPPINESS! Just transform me into a Butterfly, Holy Spirit, and please, this Christmas, do it like a sleeping bag.
- I can embarrass my neighbors and reduce the value of the homes in my near vicinity. Who doesn’t want enemies, amirite?
- I could probably make jello inside if I did it right. We’re talking instant. If I added a Bunsen burner to the design, that idea would be too awesome to contain, and that would probably translate into burns of various kinds.
- Ella would never need to wait to meet my friends ever again. Instant Pomergratification. Also, when I pee, we could both pee. We could either do diapers, or invent a tandem toilet.