Surviving the Mall
If you hate the mall like me, these are some tips for being forced into situations you don’t enjoy in the spirit of being trapped between displays of cardigans that tower over you like Babel and could crush you with one misplaced nudge of your indecision.
- Realize that the mall is essentially a track. If you wear ugly shoes like I do in public spaces (thank you, 8th grade pink converse), you can take full advantage of that.
- Prank the food court. They don’t hand out MSG-laden sugared meat samples for no reason holla at cha girl…
- There are displays with toys. Use the toys.
- If you can find a way to play with the Legos you still covet (much like an older, wiser Golem), make good on the wiles of toddlers and not ever aging out of it.
- Watch all the strange strangers. Bonus points if you can sit by Cinnabon and enjoy the beautiful wafting cinnamon scent and have enough self-control to not buy anything.
- Figure out what the hell is in an Orange Julius.
- Bonus points: Is it just oranges??
- Find a Chickfillet and eat it with a rainbow bandana tied around your neck. If you do it right, you will be able to offend everybody. Bonus points if you can wear a patriotic eagle sweater and caw between bites.
- THE WAFFLE FRIES ARE DESIGNED TO CRADLE YOUR KETCHUP LIKE IT WAS A SACRED BUNDLE AS IT JOURNIES INTO YOUR MOUTH AND OUT YOUR COLON. MAKE GOOD ON THAT.
- If you can actually buy some—actually screw that. Never go into a SEPHORA for literally any reason because you will get attitude no matter what you do.
- Stumble through a luggage display and try not to think through spreadsheets of how much it would cost to leave and then just come back in 30 years. Jk you’re not doing that. But where would you go???? Enjoy that escapism for five minutes so you can drown out the ladies in track suits that cost more than the retail value of your first born and the Macy’s displays that will make you literally vomit of perfume garbage…
- Light a small forest fire.
- Find the most ridiculous thing in the mall as a scavenger hunt and weep because no one else thinks you’re cool enough to play and all you really want is a wingman that is currently off doing stupid shit like passing his first semester of college and man— *sigh* it will be ok.
- If you had to make this mall actually futuristic, what ridiculous thing would you invent? Does it involve fried things that come like a carousel rotating around your orbit and spare tire? I hope so, because that’s where we’re at right now.
- Use the power of your mind to find free froyo coupons and bend plastic spoons. If you can prank the children to believe you are magic by calculated winking and face spasms to the soundtracks of Taylor Swift’s tears radiating from that very food court, you have won. Remember: if you can make your muscles dance like it’s 1984, do so. The children will be scared, and it’s not like you’re ever going to do any of this anyways. If anything, you’ll just walk in between people like it’s a fine art and outrun your family and have to wait and wander around for hours because you’re trapped.
- Seriously though, if you hate it, go outside ‘til you remember that:
- A) You don’t have a choice.
- B) There are cool things inside even if they’re really hard to find.
- C) You were right; shopping alone is the best. But you are here because you made a calculated choice to spend it with your family (God help us all).
- D) If you keep your priorities straight (aka Mall is for family, not for anything productive like ever), then you will keep your sanity. If not, wallow in price tags and self-loathing and generally hating straws, because when you by a Pepsi, they will totally ask.
- E) Remember: there will be other malls to hate. Malls have always sucked, except for the rides, the photo booths (only with cool ppl), and froyo. They are better in Chile (because the froyo is definitely better), but Malls are Malls in the entire world, because they sell the same brands and materialism. It will be ok. You don’t have to just hate this one. Pick your battles, save some anger for another day. And that way, you might actually be able to enjoy the freaking Mall.