Falling in love in the Dark
The things that are scariest are the things I don’t say,
They are the things that keep me up at night,
They are about Him.
Reasons for indecision,
Justification for “patience” I didn’t need before this happened,
They are a dark brood,
And I am alone when I believe them.
If love doesn’t believe rationally when there is a roster of good reasons not to,
Who the fuck knows what love is?
Let’s talk about that roster:
Time. What a bitch. Does 15 hours count as what should be ‘enough?’ Probably not.
Patience. Like I didn’t need more shame for not sitting still.
My personality. I’m sorry that the person who I am is most known to me and others when I think of you and it makes me happy. I can’t “prove it” if proving it is just being the person you love.
Family. Mine isn’t perfect, at least not by your definition. But I love them so much that you wouldn’t even understand, and I prove it because I fight for the patience I give them on a daily basis.
Femininity. What does it mean to be a woman? Well, I’ll tell you once I slow the hell down. I don’t know. But many people think I’m pretty, and who the hell knows? I probably am.
Mental Health. Does my mind think rigidly enough for your ego?
Faith. The lynchpin. I hope you measure it in time and verses, since you are so wont to do those things.
It’s funny, because the things I am most proud of are the things that he thinks I fabricate,
I couldn’t make all this up if I tried,
I have to not try and disregard the shame that has accumulated from other people’s same attitudes.
Well, I do love him. It’s almost a logical choice.
I know God has blessed this, I just can’t see it.
I have so many things I’ve written that I don’t publicize, because of love, because I believe in him.
I have so many ideas that won’t be shared until he reads them first,
If that ever happens.
I may be very kind,
But that was earned on the basis of knowing there was no good reason not to be,
And “no good reason” was equivocated and lied about until I decided to shut her the fuck up.
There is no answer to this, except to keep moving forward and wait.
That is legitimately enough for me,
And I never thought it would be;
Insecurity makes me stronger
Because it was not my choice,
And neither was love,
I feel punished either way.
If you love someone even when they do their absolute best to break you,
Because it’s easy,
At least you know where you stand.
You know it won’t leave,
You know you don’t have to see it,
You don’t have to hear it,
You don’t have to know it,
Because you *still* won’t be able to get rid of it.
I asked God for conviction,
Thank God he decided to interpret that broadly,
And numb into tears.
I know that this won’t go away,
I’ve stopped trying to fight it,
I’ve started focusing on believing in God,
And especially, believing in him.
Believing he will muster enough courage to ask me,
Believing he will pretend it’s not a cheap joke to talk about like it ain’t no thang,
Believing he will listen once he chooses to grow up,
Believing that the things that are frightening now,
Will long outlast the dark that gnaws inside of this.
I have been made privy to goodness this semester,
It elbowed its way out of the dark,
And this is some bitter aching darkness,
When I think about living my life alone.
I wrote this as a “poem”,
I don’t care if you like it,
I didn’t like this,
Not when I was too numb and tired to cry,
But if this isn’t like the crown of thorns Christ wore,
That he asked three times to escape,
That he endured completely of his own volition, knowing logically that it all had to be fulfilled,
That he rose again to claim,
Does anyone know what is?
Does anyone who would give me paltry advice about my love life
Have any clue what bitter sacrifice and waiting ever looked like?
Does anyone who is bold enough to say anything when there is nothing left to say,
Even dare to understand?
It is darkest before the dawn,
That is the hope I have chosen,
It was a fucking choice.
I don’t know what vows are like,
But they seem cheap compared to this.
I don’t have much of anything else to say,
Because there are things I will need to say moving forward,
That will not be helped by this.
But if I look forward to Christmas
Because it means the hope of an end for us all.
Those of us dying of starvation,
Those of us dying of poverty,
Those of us dying alone,
There will be rest.
I am grateful that I have no control,
But I’m more grateful that I know it,
And nothing could have taught me that,
Like falling in love in the dark did.