How to cook
Well, I’ve decided to finally document one of my crazy made up recipes, mostly to make good on Nikki’s suggestion that I should do my own cooking show. I don’t want that, but I’d still like to share, and guess what?? I have pictures.
Leftover Corn beef (and cabbage) Potato Pancakes
- ½ to 1 cup corned beef pieces, broken down very small (less than 1 cm)
- ½ teaspoon grated garlic
- Cooking oil
- 3 cups leftover cold potatoes from the corned beef (you can make baked potatoes, but if you want to really taste like corned beef and clog your arteries, you should go for it)
- Salt and pepper (I also use Nature’s Seasoning All Purpose Seasoning Mix because my mom does)
- ½ a yellow onion
- 2 eggs
- 1 cup of flour (ish)
- Parmesan Cheese (if you have no other cheese and you’re ok with it)
- Put some oil onto heat (not too much, enough to fry half an onion ((less than 2 tbs. in my book))). Add a tiny bit (1/8 tsp) of the grated garlic to the cooking oil (to flavor it).
- Take your half an onion. If the outermost skin is dry, yellowed/transparent, or otherwise looks like you wouldn’t want to normally eat it, take that off. Chop the onion into small pieces, at least 1 cm x 1 cm small (you can do smaller). Fry the onion on medium heat until the onion pieces look brownish on the edges, clear in the middle, and you can smell it. Salt and pepper it, and set it aside (and off the heat).
- Take your cold potatoes, and get a potato masher or a fork (fork is last case scenario unless you prefer it, but it doesn’t matter all that much since you are going to be washing your hands and using those to mix it). Mash them until you don’t see any chunks bigger than a quarter, and the skin isn’t all that much in the way. You are going to want the skin, but if you hate it, I understand, that’s your call. Add the corned beef bits.
- Take your eggs. Smash them into a bowl (without the shell 😉 ) and beat them until it just looks mildly yellow.
- Add your eggs, your garlic, more salt and pepper (be careful, you can always add more), the fried onion, and as much flour as you think is necessary for it to be able to form a consistency between biscuits and cookie dough (I call this stage “cake paste”). You should also add some Parmesan Cheese right around then if you decide you’d like to.
- With a little water on your hands, roll your cake paste potato mash into little balls about 2 inches in diameter. Smash them into little discs with your hands.
- This is where creativity will help you. You see, I did all the above, but I only added one egg and I didn’t heat the oil enough, so when I put them in the pan, they were soggy and falling apart. So, I added it back to my bowl, added another egg, some parmesan cheese (lol sounded like a good idea to me), more flour, and tried heating my oil in the meantime. Success. But, keep in mind you can do that with this.
- Fry them. I have pictures so you know what you should be looking for, but it should look like cross between browning pancakes and browning turkey burgers (google it).
- Lay them out like a masterpiece over two paper towels still connected and folded into one master sheet to catch the grease. Tell Paula Deen to go eat her heart out. Eat them with cold milk and cold ketchup. There is a difference between warm ketchup (pictured; a sad day for us all) and cold ketchup. After all, if Jesus has taught me anything about the apocalypse, it is that Satan will come back riding on the coattails of warm ketchup.
Ideas for follow up renditions:
- Maple syrup and Bacon
- Dried shrimp Cajun Creole with black beans and ground pork sausage
- Ginger, Honey, Soy with Green onion and Shredded Cabbage relish
- Garam Masala, Cumin, and Carrot
- Coconut Milk, Peas, and Lemongrass with Cucumber Slaw (Yogurt dressing)
- Sweet Potato, Brown Sugar and Cinnamon
- Barley, Beef bits, Celery, Corn, Carrots, and Gravy (Shepherd’s Pie, but fried)
Thanks and Recognition to
- The Jews, for doing it best
- The girl on my news feed that posted a picture of deep fat fried whatever yesterday
- My mom and “Irish heritage” for providing the cultural basis to have these ingredients in my fridge
Titles for the pictures:
- Sad failure-cakes
- Where they started
- Lol all that was left
- You should use these
- Add another egg?
- Add some more flour?
- You added some flour, good work!
- Parmesan Cheese? Correct.
- A better sizzle than before
- Prepare to die, Paula
- Worth it.
- Ted being jealous
- Still jealous.
- The darkness of the human heart and warm ketchup
- Now that’s what I call nutrition!
- And that is why we follow cravings, people