N: Lack of Decision



I doubt that this letter is to you. Maybe it’s a letter to the void. I hope so, that would make me happy.

I am going to move forward with an answer you didn’t give. You didn’t give a yes either. Oh well. I need to keep going; God is getting the entire jurisdiction over my life more and more every day, and he can take this.

Don’t forget that I tried, because I won’t. It was nice to be seen as beautiful, even if you won’t admit it. It was nice to be able to keep moving.

The thing is, if this is heartbreak than I hardly know it. I have been broken before, but this feels nice, it feels new. I want to be pursued by someone who can’t wait for his family to meet me, isn’t too stubborn to be kind, and thinks my words are valuable, let alone can let his ego be instead of just feeding it. I will be no one’s second best; I’m not a second best kind of girl. I can’t wait to dance with people who love my company, and enjoy me for nothing more or less than my heart. As of now, that isn’t you, and I don’t slow down.

I want to make this absolutely clear: I regret nothing. I am grateful, this challenged me and changed me in the best way, I feel so much happier now than before but it isn’t enough to stay miserable when misery is all that’s been promised.

The way I see it is that you made your decision in August. You must really like the attention, but mostly I just want to give it to someone who makes me feel like it’s worth it. I don’t want to cry so much, and crying wasn’t because of you, it was because of your ego (I hardly know the difference any more).

I’m not sad. I feel okay; it feels open. I meant everything I said and I am happy. There’s nothing to worry about.

The truth is, certain things are worth immediate action, and it was never my responsibility to ask for that (clearly it hasn’t worked). It’s nice to love my life freely. I love being 20, it’s a once in a lifetime feeling. I’m free, thank God.

As always, all the best. Thank you for setting me free, even if it was only temporarily your doing. There is nothing better in the world than this (N: lack of a) decision, just like there was nothing better in the world than listening an hour ago. Freedom is good. Praise God.

Thank you.



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I am a teacher-to-be who loves people. I am not afraid of many things. I like to explain my thoughts logically on a very birds-eye view level--I was born thinking that way. I follow Jesus Christ, and I accept only that label to describe my identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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