An Emergency Roundtable of the Existential Divas
Soul: *Gavel sounds* I’d like to cordially reconvene this emergency roundtable for the Existential Divas of the HaleyL***N** Council. If any Diva would like to speak, please follow parliamentary procedure and move to begin the discussion.
Flesh: I MOVE TO BEGIN THE DISCUSSION ON HOW RIPPED THAT GUY OVER THERE BY THE TRASHCAN IS CAN YOU SEE HIS ABS HOW COULD YOU NOT, LEGITIMATELY THOUGH MAYBE HE’D BUY ME DINNER IF I STARED FOR ABOUT 2 MORE SECONDS AND WINKED—
Heart: (mutters disdainfully, interrupting) God help us all.
Brain: Seriously?! This crap again?? I thought we already resolved this. It doesn’t change. Same old rules. You really think that we’re going to make an exception this one time?? Do you realize—
Soul: SHUT THE HELL UP! As I was saying, we can here to discuss the matter of Stalling Unicorns. Can I hear a motion to begin discussion over proper Christian ethics in regard to said Unicorns?
Heart: (like a whiny toddler with a tinge of teenage angst) I move to go home.
Brain: (glares witheringly at Heart) Yes. I move to begin discussion.
Soul: (unfazed) Fabulous. Now, as we all know, there are certain rules that have been laid out in such an order that—
Flesh: (literally screaming) ABS! AAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBSS!!!!!!!! ABS ABS ABS ABS! JUST LOOK—
Soul: (on breaking ice) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE TAKE HER OUT OF THIS ROOM.
Flesh: (Practically silently and getting louder, working her way into a scream) Okay, but seriously. I look up, he looks up. I look down, he stutters. And there are many of them that do that. The dude this morning that did a double take? I wonder if he likes Chinese—
Soul: (pokerfaced) Well, try it and see what happens.
Flesh: (the voice of rebellion and demented sass) Well, maybe I will.
Heart: (maniacal) Yes, eat the apple! The apple the apple, I wonder what it tastes like—
Soul: (irritated) Stop! Brain, where the hell are you in all this??
Brain: (pensively and slowly) Well, I was weighing the pros and cons of the apple. In my opinion, this apple is a little to pithy looking, but that one over there shines pretty nice, and it’s pretty pink and green; I’ve heard that two colors in one make quite the tasty apple. As far as nutritional content, I know that the red ones are best for the body and are best for planting. But honesty, the little yellow green ones look the most exciting; I’d like to know if they’re as sour as they keep telling me.
Soul: (over it) Great. They’ve gotten to you to, haven’t they?
Brain: (straightforward) Fraid so, boss.
Soul: (about to lose her good sense) Well, shit. Okay, since none of you is obviously thinking clearly, I’m gonna spell it out slowly so that you can take notes for next time. We’ll meet in this same spot, past the forked cortexes this time at the next emergency meeting, and I’d like to see some progress from each of you before that happens; even if its five minutes from now.
This is our plan: Do nothing. I mean absolutely nothing.
Brain: Don’t think. I mean it. Shut up.
Heart: Get your attitude in shape because I’ve had just about all I can take of your whining. This is how it is. Knock it the hell off until you are sure that changing things isn’t breaking things. I expect you to consult me with every single one of your rash choices and crazy ideas so don’t get any bad ideas; I’ll be watching you. Actually, he’ll be watching you. If you don’t feel intimidated right now, you should, because I’ve had it.
Flesh: Act your age; actually, act about 40 years older. I hear this all peters out a little once she hits around 45, and if not, maybe you could work on your inside voice between now and then.
We’ve got a long haul in for the rest of her natural lifespan, and we’ve got to get along. From now on, if you don’t hear direct orders from me, you are not to do anything. I mean anything. If I find out that you have been keeping something secret from me, I will literally flip a table. This is not a joke. This is real. Calm down. I expect results, and soon.
While I’m at it, let me not forget to mention that this isn’t WWIII, so y’all should probably simmer the fuck down. Also, unless there is any good signal for me to give and you obey, PANIC is officially off limits from this point forward.
We’ll meet back here as necessary to assess your work. Don’t’ forget, she decides when it’s necessary. If I don’t like it, I’m going to report you to the big man and you’ll be speaking with him, is that clear? I am done.
I wish each of you luck in your respective lines of work, and I would like to remind you that there are more important immediate priorities that require us to work together to keep moving forward. If you recall, the goal is forwards, not backwards, and lukewarm doesn’t cut it. We have a mission, it isn’t yours; it is his. I expect better from each of you, and I hope to see you prepared and ready to go next time we speak.
Does anyone have any questions?
All: (painful and awkward silence; mutual shame and embarrassment).
Soul: Good. Let me know. After all, he’ll know regardless.