I WILL NOW INDULGE MY BRAIN IN THE CRAZY THAT IT IS MAKING THAT I LOVE TO PIECES BECAUSE YOU ARE IN YOUR CORNER BEING A ROCK AND I WOULD SHARE IT BUT YOU ARE BEING A ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK. Sigh.
This is what my brain would like to do, because it’s Thanksgiving:
I would like to eat Turkey but only to the point where I can have leftovers and then I would like to make a leftover sandwich sometime later tomorrow. This sandwich is the pinnacle of sandwiches, you wouldn’t understand. You get 2 pieces of bread that would kill you slowly but surely if you ate it every day. You heat up some mashed potatoes and make sure they are seasoned like mashed potatoes (not always the case with real Thanksgivings). You spread a layer on the bottom piece of bread to your discretion, between one inch and one half inch.
At this point you have already heated up small amounts (or big ones, you’re going to eat it all anyways) of green bean casserole (the food of the Gods), stuffing, and turkey in the microwave. I know you don’t cook very well, so the microwave should be good enough for this. If you want your turkey to not dry out in the microwave, you should probably put on at least a thin layer of gravy on top so it can soak into the rapidly microroasting turkey.
Once you take it out of the microroaster, you need to assemble this sandwich carefully. I have 20 years worth of Thanksgivings to prove this, 2 more than you so you had better listen.
You need to pull about the turkey into pieces that are smaller than you think you need to. Smaller than your huge damn mouth (tehehehhehjhkjsdhKAY.) But, pieces probably no bigger than an inch. Then, you need to do what I tell you and only what I tell you in the following order:
- Take the stuffing and spread in on the mashed potatoes as evenly as you don’t really want.
- Take the green bean casserole. Hopefully if you’re thinking like any sane person, you did your best to get the edge piece, because duh. You’re going to want to put in in a heaping mound on the middle of the bread and spread it out like green bean frosting from the middle. If you’re going to be eating corners in like a normal person (and suffering through any applicable crusts) you’re going to want to save the best for last, and the best will be the middle because good luck trying to eat this.
- You are going to butter the other piece of bread. Don’t ask questions. Just do it.
- You are going to put the inches of turkey however you please and plan to eat them on your green bean canvas.
- You are going to put the piece of bread butter side to turkey inches side.
- You are going to use your microroaster to microroast it again, for 60-90 seconds. You should see a little steam, but the bottom can’t be cold, otherwise you haven’t achieved the full potential of this sandwich, and correspondingly, your soul.
- You will take it out and make sure it’s halfway decent.
- You will make the personal judgment call as to whether or not to cut it in half. You have freakishly large hands, and I have tiny princess hands, so I normally cut mine in half but you may not need to.
- Eat the damn sandwich.
- Be sure to let me know ASAP how right I was and how much you plan on making sandwiches like this together in the future because clearly I do it best.
- Share the recipe with your family. They are going to want to know about this. Too bad you don’t have an expert to teach them how to make the Bombdiggitty Thanksgiving Sandwich (I’m going to use that as part of the title for this, I dare you to stop me0.
- You should probably just ask me out already. Just sayin.
- But patience is rough. AND I HAVE SO MUCH COLLECTIVE KNOWLEDGE I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU BECAUSE
- You suck at cooking
- You suck at sucking
- You suck at making Thanksgiving sandwiches (I don’t know that for sure, but we’re talking in relative terms bahhahahaha yep).
- I would make Thanksgiving so great, I do every year and you’re really dumb.
- PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANIC
- Mmkay, that should be enough reasons. But the moral of the story IS HURRY THE FUCK UP THERE ARE THANKSGIVING SANDWICHES TO MAAAAAKE.