She’s baaack…

Dear Lawrence, Kansas,

My twin sister comes back to town in 14 days (December 7th). If you work quickly, you still have time to hide your Chipotle, bad sneakers and johnny depp fan club calendars, crafts that aren’t crafty, and basically anything that reeks of patchouli, pot, and anything but cheap liquor. I suggest you work together to find a small series of holes in the hollows of tree trunks, think the underground railroad for things of bad taste fleeing to escape mass consumption. I am sorry if that is offensive, but she won’t be. Get ready for screaming matches in public spaces. And the hostile takeover of my toilet for long periods of time without any due process. And adding vinegar to every food group that could mildly pass as edible. And busting in on me when I’m in the bathtub to make fart jokes and use said toilet. If you believe in what my mom says, she will get her reward someday in the form of bastard children. I’m going to teach them to love johnny depp, and patchouli, and be too classy for Chipotle. And then we’ll see who busts in on whose bathtub time…

Malevolently yours,



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I am a teacher-to-be who loves people. I am not afraid of many things. I like to explain my thoughts logically on a very birds-eye view level--I was born thinking that way. I follow Jesus Christ, and I accept only that label to describe my identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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