Things I am working up to telling the people who have been concerned

Dear People that Love Me and Have Been Worried,

  • Thank you for noticing.
  • Yes, it has been rough.
  • I can’t prove it, but trust me: I am okay.
  • I know that you would help me if I asked. You are part of the reason I keep trying to figure things out every day, because I don’t want you to be so scared for me. I want to be able to tell you the things that are coming slowly but surely to me and like a shitstorm from your perspective. I can’t always share. But I trust you.
  • Everything is visible with me, I try to be a person other people don’t have to guess with as much (getting there). If you want me to tell you the 1000+ fabulous things of yesterday alone, I will. But I didn’t write that list, because I didn’t need to; it was enough to walk around with my eyes open than to pick up my pen because the world is beautiful all the time.
  • You are silly. I like your sense of humor, because if you’re still concerned after all that, you’re probably a keeper, and keepers usually can laugh at things like this.
  • People appreciate you. I promise. People that you don’t even know or know about. People that won’t be able to thank you. People a lot like you, and younger, and older, and just people. I may suck at sharing the good, but you have to understand that I don’t typically allow myself optimism (kinda dumb if you think about it), and that has also been pretty great lately, because it’s easy.
  • I may seem like a chaotic mess sometimes, but you know what? Messes are still messes even if you tidy them somewhat. I’m trying to be a self-tidying mess (mess isn’t bad, mess is mess). It’s good for my anxiety to go through a lot of this crap mostly alone. I need it to tackle fears and dislodge inconsistencies. But the push pull of letting things you don’t have space for die naturally can be terrifying, you’re right. Please don’t be scared, I’ll read your face and know and you won’t always tell me why.
  • On that note, I’m not exactly sure why, but knowing how you are feeling and being able to read your character (talking to everyone) is a special gift I’ve always had. The Super Empathy (idk if there is a word, I don’t really want it honestly) makes it hard to ask for your help because I’m afraid I will hurt you if I ask, and you look really upset. But I never doubted that you would help me if I needed you, not for one second. That was the Fear talking, and she’s kind of a bitch.
  • I don’t want to scare you, but I know a lot more about why you are upset than you give me credit for. I remember names and faces like a phone book. I remember details and strengths and what makes everyone so beautiful without trying. I have to not be upset, and I have to look, and it’s clear then. My brain files it away like canned vegetables in a pantry. I can’t always tell you why I’m upset, but I can retrieve the cans and look at the specifics and remember once I’m not upset; it’s easy then.
  • That’s why I like volunteering. That’s why I love to listen, because I remember, and I’d like to tell you why you’re special when you’re upset (please let me do this). I know a lot about your life that I’ve silently absorbed and stewarded, and if you let me I will help you in whatever way you need (not want). I may not have the resources or tools to help, and sometimes what I have to say isn’t tailored to the situation perfectly, but I can help.
  • I only know all of this recently, through a long series of magnificent and fabulous failures. I can’t always ask for your advice, and I’m not always sure what to ask for, but if I progressively push the limits, I can read what I need to know on your face. And it’s working.
  • Please don’t lie to me.
  • You may not realize this, but you are my friend. If people are talking shit on you at any point in time, I will defend your character. This doesn’t mean throwing chairs. This means reading what they will listen to and slyly bringing it up in an organic way so that people will realize you have good intentions even if you are human.
  • I would never share the really scary things that are yours, but trust me, you aren’t alone. It is going to be okay. And your best is more than enough. People are paying attention to more than just your epic failures, I promise.
  • You may be more in charge of helping me, but what helps me most is helping you. Not sure why, but go with it. I can understand quicker when I see with your eyes. It makes me panic less immediately. Please let me help you in ways that you are comfortable.
  • This is what I most want to say to you: Your best is beautiful, and your heart is kind. I may not be able to tell you today, but most people get kind of shocked when I say that in public, so I don’t (as much). Please let me tell you on a more regular basis, it doesn’t have to be loud. But that is what I most need. To tell you that I care and that you are a beautiful person.

Until the day where I can say that to your face (who knows; maybe today),

Haley

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haleylol

I am a teacher-to-be who loves people. I am not afraid of many things. I like to explain my thoughts logically on a very birds-eye view level--I was born thinking that way. I follow Jesus Christ, and I accept only that label to describe my identity--that I am a child of God, as are infinite others, regardless of their other identities. Christ is my one thing.

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