It may seem contradictory to some that I would take the time to write about just sitting and not thinking, but bear with me.
Life goes so quickly. Even with as many nonsensical changes as have been filtering in and out of my life recently thus making time seem like years in a day, I still find myself a little shocked. Shocked because we only get a certain amount of time. It’s over before we know it, and important milestones in your life and the lives of those you love go by like a piece of confetti blown by an industrial size fan, where the hell did they end up? I wish I knew.
For that reason, as much as I can and especially lately, I try to slow down. Knowing that life is the common stomping grounds of a whole host of overlapping cycles and stages coming to and end and just beginning gives me peace, but only when I stop to take all of it in.
Right now, I’m sitting in my bedroom. I’m laying on my bed, and although I am typing, in a minute I will go back to visually tracing the shadows of the early morning sunlight that have befriended my skin as they come through the slats in my taupe Venetian blinds. Detail matters. I spend so many hours of my day thinking, for the next five minutes after I close the lid to my computer, I am going to let my mind wordlessly wander into every crevice of this room and just absorb consciously what it feels like to be 20. They say that youth is wasted on the young, so I may as well savor it to the best of my ability while I am still mobile, still relatively clueless, still waiting (more or less) patiently on a lot of milestones. A lot can change in a tiny window of time, and I can’t guarantee that any of the people I love will be around in the next few minutes, let alone when I finally get the chance to realize how valuable they are to me. I could die today. Probability may be in my favor, but probability goes to crap once it’s in practice.
There will be a day that I look back on this time in my life with a lot more perspective and a lot less ability to remember, and when that day comes, I want to say that I spent my time to the fullest extent I could have. Living boldly means taking enough risks to not regret, but also not tolerating a spirit of regret-fullness and sloth in yourself. If I can, I will do what I dream of doing, and today if possible.
Yet for now, I choose to spend my time just enjoying what it means to be alive. The thoughts will still be there when I return.